Every Guy Has a Soft Spot for a Cat
by makeshiftdraco
Summary: Draco discovers a cute, cuddly visitor left to him by a Mysterious Person. How will this new kitty bring Harry and Draco closer together? Only the madness of the author's creation, followed by you reading it, will reveal the crazy antics and adventures!Re
1. Default Chapter

Thwack!

Draco opened his eyes and growled. "Who dares wake me so early? There will be hell to pay!"

Silence greeted his outburst.

"Meow!"

_What in the name of Zandar?__1_

"Meow!"

Draco fell back in shock as a ferocious black creature pounced on his face.

"Ow! Fuck! Be gone demon!" He waved his arms around defensively.

"Meow…"

He sat up and gaped at the small kitten currently gnawing on his arm. He glared. "Stop that…I'm delicate!"

It paused and glanced up at him curiously.

"Oh don't try that on me," he hissed. "Just because you're absolutely adorable, doesn't mean—"

Tiny teeth dug in to his fingers playfully.

"Ow! You nasty bugger!"

It grinned at him evilly…or at least he assumed it was a grin…could cats grin?

Draco watched in amusement as his guest dashed across the bed and lunged for his face. "Gah!" He brushed the kitten away and it ravaged his hand.

"I think I like you, cat…"

It nuzzled him and proceeded to attack his hair.

"THE HAIR IS OFF LIMITS!" he bellowed angrily.

The kitten quavered a moment then continued to scamper around the bed.

Draco smiled, a thing done only in private or on special occasions. A Malfoy did not waste a good smile on anyone…a sneer or a smirk, yes, but smiling was different.

He leaned forward and reached for the spastic fur ball. "Now, what shall we call you…and by we, I mean I…which is obvious…cause I'm the only one here…and I'm not crazy…" He laughed nervously.

The kitten ignored his rambling and quickly wriggled out of his grasp.

It sat beside him and purred softly, allowing Draco to stroke its black fur and gaze into its emerald green eyes thoughtfully.

"You remind me of someone…"

It mewed.

"Alright, alright…Harry it is…but if anyone asks its meant to ironic…not that you could tell them…cause you're a cat…and cats don't talk…but still…"

It purred and leapt of the bed, startling a nearby house elf with a surprise attack.

Draco's eyes widened as his new pet clawed the pitiful creature mercilessly. He broke into a smirk.

The house elf squealed in pain as Draco scooped up its attacker and headed for the door.

"Thank you, Master—"

"Oh shut up, you squicky terd!"

"Yes, Master…"

Draco sneered with satisfaction and marched down the hall.

His mother looked up from her book as he entered the library.

"Mummy, look what I've got!" he announced proudly. He held up Harry so she could see.

"That's lovely, Draco…now let me read."

"But Mummy, I need you take us to the jeweler, so I can get him a gilded collar."

She sighed. "Draco, I'm afraid we can't go to the jeweler right now…"

He gasped dramatically. "Why? Did father disappear in some sort of mysterious and/or freak accident, leaving us vulnerable and without money?" He inhaled sharply.

His mother raised an eyebrow. "No, it's just that you're still in your pajamas…"

He glanced down. "So I am…" He nodded curtly. "I shall change…and then we shall go to the store!"

"Yes, dear…"

Harry crawled onto his shoulders curiously.

"Come down from there," Draco commanded, quickly removing the pesky creature.

It swiped his ear vengefully.

"WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THE HAIR!"

Harry mewed innocently.

"Oh…you're so cute! No wonder we get along splendidly…"

He set it down. "Now run off and terrorize the help while I change."

Draco paused, noticing a large black envelope on his door.

"Butterwick!" he commanded, summoning a house elf. "Open this and read it to me!"

"Why can't you?"

He scowled. "Listen…you're the bloody butler around here! Do as I say! Besides, don't want to risk paper cuts."

The house elf rolled its eyes and retrieved the envelope. "It reads: Dear Draco, you snarky git. Best wishes on your impending school year. Hope you enjoy the kitten. Hugs and kisses…Mysterious Person."

Draco frowned. "Mysterious indeed…" He waved it off. "That will be all, Butterwick."

"Yes, sir."

He paused. "Who named you Butterwick, anyway?" 2

"Don't know, sir. Seems an odd name if you ask me, but my previous owner insisted it was a proper name for a butler."

"Well, anyway, back to this Mystery Person…they obviously have some secret and evil plot in the making…but they gave me a kitty, so they can't be too bad, can they?"

Butterwick looked unmoved. "I wouldn't know, sir."

"Oh shut up, Butterwick."

Both turned as Harry pounced on the butler viciously.

Draco smiled and scooped the kitten up with glee. "I just love kitties, don't you?"

1 Zandar…as in the game "Ask Zandar"…he's a wizard.

2 Butterwick…dedicated to sodarksong.


	2. Every Guy Has a Soft Spot for a Cat

"Draco, darling…you are _not_ taking that mongrel to school with you."

Draco stroked the kitten nonchalantly. "Yes, I am." He glanced around to make sure no one was listening. "And he's not a mongrel! He's adorable."

His mother nodded in exasperation and planted a brief, obligated kiss on his cheek. "Write soon," she said simply.

"Goodbye, Mother." He stood as the train pulled away and held the kitten up. "Say goodbye, Harry!"

"Mew."

He grinned. "Good kitty."

"He's angry with me," said Draco sorrowfully as they ate dinner.

Pansy watched Draco worriedly. "What makes you say that? You seemed so happy a couple of weeks ago when school started."

He sighed and poked his food thoughtfully. "He's upset about something. I think he feels neglected."

She nodded. "Draco, I'm sure it's just a mood swing. He'll be over it in a day or so."

"No," he said with a sniffle. "It's more than that. We….we don't snuggle anymore…like we used to. I thought we had something special, but lately he's gotten more distant. I think maybe he's found someone else…a Gryffindor. He's always running off and hanging around their tower…I—I'm just so worried! Maybe it's me—"

"No…"

"I just keep getting the feeling that he's restless…like I can't satisfy him like I used to."

She put a hand on his arm. "Draco, I didn't know…"

He sniffled. "And when we're in bed at night…he hardly ever purrs!"

Blaise turned around and glared at them. "Would you two quit toying with people's emotions by making it appear that you are in some sort of gay relationship…possibly Harry Potter…only to destroy their hopes by revealing that you're talking about your cat!"

Draco frowned. "Sorry." He turned back to Pansy. "I just don't know what to do…"

She smiled reassuringly. "Draco, I've got two words for you: cat-nip."

"That's one word."

"No, it isn't.

"Yes, it is. Look it up."

"How? It's not like I have some dictionary that I pull out every time Draco beckons!"

"Yes, you do. I gave it to you for your birthday." He pointed. "It's in your bag right now. It's even got the words, 'Dictionary to be Pulled Out Every Time Draco Beckons', embossed on the cover."

She stared at the bag awkwardly. "My point is…catnip. Cats go crazy for it! Hence the name…CAT-nip."

Draco scoffed. "Are you going somewhere with this?"

She rolled her eyes and took a bite of pudding. "You know what would be great, Draco? If you would shut the fuck up and think for a minute."

"I don't have to think…that's what you're here for."

Pansy sighed. "Forget it. I'll just nab some catnip from Professor Snape, and you can make amends with your precious kitty."

She stood, tugging Draco behind her.

He giggled. "Hey Pansy…I just thought of the best pussy joke…"

"Shove it, Draco!"

"Oh, so you've heard it already…"

"Kitty…" Draco called cautiously as he entered the boys' dormitory, Pansy trailing behind him. "Kitty? Kitty, where are you? I'm really really sorry."

He frowned as his apology met silence. "Damn it! What do you want from me?"

Pansy shushed him. "Draco, look." She pointed.

Draco dashed forward and dropped next to Theodore Nott's bed. "Pansy, something is terribly wrong…just look at these stains. And look!" He held up a small gold object. "Harry left his gilded collar! He'd never leave without it! He loves this thing!"

"Draco, I think you're overreacting…"

He sniffled and stood up dejectedly. "He's gone!"

Pansy pulled him into arms as the tears came.

"Harry's been catnapped!"

She sighed. "Draco, honestly…why would someone kidnap your cat?"

"I don't know…revenge…jealousy…an evil plot to obtain sexual favor as ransom for his return…

"Your intellect truly worries me," she muttered.

"Pansy, what are you doing in here?" asked Theodore Nott as he entered the room. "And why is Draco crying? Did you hit him again?"

"Where's my cat?" Draco demanded.

"How the hell should I know?" asked Theodore.

"Tell me!"

He rolled his eyes as the small blonde grabbed the front of his robes threateningly.

"I ate it," he replied sarcastically.

Draco's jaw dropped. "You ate my pussy!"

Pansy slapped him upside the head. "What did we say about pussy jokes?"

"I couldn't resist!" He glared at Theodore. "Back to the matter at hand…why did you eat my cat?"

"Because I heard it's a delicacy in Stupid, Poncy Blonde Land, and I wanted to learn the ways of your people."

Theodore frowned as the other boy continued to stare at him, awaiting an answer.

_Does he actually think I ate his cat?_

"I was kidding," he said nervously.

Draco scowled. "Of course, you were." He shoved the other boy aside and struck a dramatic thinking pose. "But who? Who could have stolen my precious kitten away from me?"

Pansy shrugged.

He threw himself on his bed and sulked profusely. "Harry…I _will_ find you, and when I do, I shall exact my revenge on the fiend who took you from me!"


	3. Every Guy Has a Soft Spot for a Cat

Meanwhile Harry Potter was strolling down the corridors of the learning establishment known as Hogwarts, contemplating what would happen if he were to walk under a ladder, open an umbrella indoors, and break a mirror, all in one day.

He frowned as a small black cat crossed his path. _Bugger._

"Mew!"

The kitten dashed up to him and smiled playfully.

Harry bent down and scooped up the creature. "Hello there. What are you grinning about?" He paused. At least he assumed it was a grin…could cats grin?

He shook it off.

The kitten blinked and swatted Harry's robes viciously. Harry chuckled.

He paused again. A small white envelope was attached to the green ribbon tied neatly around the kitten's neck.

"What's this?" he asked, pulling it free and opening the letter inside.

_Dear Harry, the Boy Who Bloody Well Did Not Die:_

_Meet thyself and in turn find thy one true love._

_Hugs and Kisses…Mysterious Person_

_Ps. That sounded really poetic, didn't it? I totally rock at this! Anyway, enjoy the kitten._

Harry stared at the note curiously. The whole thing was either a joke, dreadfully serious, or completely insane. He decided on all three and quickly stuffed the letter in his pocket.

He glanced down, scratching behind the cats ears absently. The kitten looked up at him inquisitively. They started toward the dorms.

"Hedwig will be terribly jealous," said Harry finally.

The kitten mewed understandingly.

"Well, alright, but when people ask, I only decided to keep you because you're amusing…not because you're adorable. Got it?"

"Meow."

"Great."

"You're naming him what?" asked Hermione incredulously.

"Butterwick," Harry replied. He stroked the kitten's soft black fur silently.

"Why Butterwick?" She stared at the new arrival in confusion.

Ron blinked. "Isn't that a butler name?" he asked.

The other three stared at him in horrified bewilderment.

"What? I heard it somewhere!" he muttered defensively.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Anyway, Harry, are you sure about this? The whole situation seems dangerous."

"Dangerous? It's a cat!"

"But this Mysterious Person…it's all so…"

"Mysterious?" added Ron helpfully.

They scowled at him.

"Hermione," Harry sighed. "Even if this is some sort of plot, it can't be a very good one. I mean, 'Meet thyself and in turn find thy one true love'? What does that _mean_ anyway?"

"Search me," muttered Ron, taking the letter, "I'd be more worried about the 'Hugs and kisses'." He started at it a moment. "Perhaps this person is mad. It sounds like they think you're a cat or something…or maybe they want you to fall in love with the cat?"

They stared at him again.

"Seems a bit loony to me."

Harry baulked. "True…although the writer of this message appears to be a bit off their rocker…I don't think that's what they meant."

Ron scooped up the cat and eyed it suspiciously. "He's up to no good, I tell you."

"You say that about all cats," said Hermione.

"I said that about _your_ cat, and I stick by my word." He crossed his arms indignantly.

"Crookshanks was only trying to—"

"Would you two focus on something other than your pent up sexual feelings for each other!" Harry snapped. "Let's get back to the matter at hand—"

"Your pussy?" said Ron.

"I do _not_ have a pussy," Harry muttered.

"Sure you do," giggled Hermione. "Ron seems to really enjoy stroking it."

Ron scoffed. "I am not stroking Harry's pussy. It is merely nestled between my legs."

"Let's talk about something else!" Harry cried desperately. "How about your pent up sexual feelings for each other? That seems to be going pretty well. You know…the whole bickering and pretending you don't secretly know you're meant to be together thing? Yeah…just love it."

Harry quickly snatched Butterwick out of Ron's lap and headed toward the door.

"Don't be embarrassed by the deep connection I have with your pussy, Harry!" Ron shouted.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Do the world a favor and just kiss her already!" he shrieked.


	4. Soft Spot

Harry and Butterwick bundled up for the chilly fall weather enthusiastically.

"Hogsmeade is going to be great," Harry mused.

"And why are you bringing your cat?" asked Ron.

Harry held Butterwick up cheerfully. "That's the whole point, Ron. It's a kitty bonding trip!"

"You've lost your marbles," Ron spat in disgust. "That _cat_ has turned you all…funny!"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh Ron, don't be ridiculous."

"You've gone all ninny-like and soft! It's weird."

Ron took Harry by the shoulders. "Harry, I won't let this evil feline turn you into some kind of poofter."

"Ron, I—"

"The sharp appearance. The fanciful remarks. Pretty soon you'll be prancing around and kissing boys like Draco Malfoy!"

Harry gave him an offended look. "Ron, I am going to pretend I never heard that, and when I get back from this kitty bonding trip…you had better have the right attitude about Butterwick!"

He turned on his heels and glided out the door angrily.

Ron sighed and sat down reluctantly. "Something pretty fucking weird is going on around here."

Draco sulked, his head resting on his arms as they splayed out across his small but surprisingly luxurious writing desk.

Pansy entered the room and sat beside him cautiously. "Draco…"

"No, Pansy, I'm afraid I don't feel much like prancing around and kissing any boys today."

"Oh." She turned around and eyed the Ravenclaw standing in the doorway. "You can go, Michael. He doesn't seem up to it today."

Draco perked up. "Is that Michael Corner?" He smiled a bit. "I suppose maybe a _little_ prancing and such would do me some good…"

Pansy rolled her eyes and made her way out of the room as Draco bounded over to the other boy and took him by the shirt in some sort of half-hearted cheerful sorrow.

10 minutes later.

"Oh Pansy, I'm afraid that didn't help a bit. It was lovely, but not a bit…I still miss Harry…" Draco draped himself on the black couch beside her.

Pansy frowned. "Any news from Mysterious Person?"

"Um…not really…" He dug in his pockets. "Just this one that reads: The squirrels are in the basement. Their take over is imminent. I must find help. I must—Ps. A bit off my rocker when I wrote that, but I thought I'd send it to you anyway just for kicks."

Pansy bent over to retrieve a wad of paper that tumbled out of the blonde's robes. "What's this/"

"That would appear to be some sort of wad of paper, I believe," Draco replied matter-of-factly.

She opened it.

_Hello again, Draco._

_May you prosper in all your poofy endeavors. Here's a poem for you listening (as I'm sure that one of companions is reading this out loud) pleasure:_

_Twins in title_

_This pair is quite smitten _

_One is a hero _

_The other a kitten_

_One you shall love_

_The other you do_

_So go seek thine enemy_

_Or I'll turn you into poo_

_Yes…well, rhymes are a bit tricky, but you get the idea._

_Love,_

_Mysterious Person_

"That's curious," Pansy muttered.

"Doesn't settle too well on the ears though," said Draco. "This Mysterious Person really isn't much of a poet."

She scowled. "That's not the point, Draco. This is a clue."

Blank stare.

"To where you cat is!"

He blinked. "Oh…"

"So…."

"So?"

"So start deciphering!"

He gave her an offended look. "Fine…"

She concentrated on the message.

Draco furrowed his brow. "Hm… The squirrels are in the basement…"

"Damn it, Draco!"

"What?"

The library was unnervingly silent as various groups of students worked, scribbling away diligently.

Draco was lazily flipping the pages of his book, pretending he was reading and certainly _not _scoping out cute fifth years over in the reference section, when an epiphany came upon him.

He jumped up.

"Oh, I get it now! 'So go seek thine enemy.' The Gryffindors! I'm supposed to go to the Gryffindor tower!"

Everyone in the general vicinity glared at him. A table of third year Gryffindors gave him particularly nasty looks.

Pansy scowled and yanked him back into his chair.

"I figured it out," he said triumphantly, a stupid grin on his face. He folded his arms and gave her a smug look. "I'm a genius."

She ignored him. "Of course you are."

"Soon I shall have my revenge, and my darling kitty shall be returned to me once again!"

He scowled as someone flung a book at his head.

"How dare you interrupt my vendetta! I glare at you reproachfully…REPROACHFULLY!"


	5. Soft Spot

The corridors outside Gryffindor Tower were terribly dark at night. This was a well-known fact to everyone at Hogwarts…everyone except a particular Draco Malfoy who wouldn't have noticed much of anything unless it gave off his reflection or felt like a good shag.

"Bloody fucking hell," he hissed, tripping on yet another statue which he was beginning to suspect was the exact same one he had tripped over the last six times. "This is a ruddy excuse for a hallway…so bloody dark."

"Oof! Who goes there?"

Draco stumbled backwards, realizing that he had tumbled into the portrait of a fat lady. "Erm…bugger."

She squinted at him through the darkness. "Well?"  
"Erm…"

"The password," she snapped. "Unless you feel like tripping over the statue another six times."

Draco frowned. The fact that he hadn't really come up with a plan other than "get into Gryffindor Tower" and that he had no idea _how_ to get into Gryffindor Tower presented itself quite forcefully.

He pointed his wand at the portrait angrily. "How about you open up right now, or I hex you into oblivion?"

She rolled her eyes. "Try again, pretty boy."

He threw his hands up in despair. "I don't know…wanker."

The porthole creaked open slowly.

Draco paused in surprise then jumped through the porthole gleefully.

The Slytherin's first thought upon entering enemy territory was one of sadness in relation to the décor.

The hideous scarlets and golds seemed almost luminescent in the pale light.

Draco crept around the common room cautiously, searching everywhere.

"Harry," he whispered. "Harry…"

He lifted up a tea cozy. "Harry?"

Nothing.

"Damn." He tossed it on the floor, poised to throw a tantrum.

Someone coughed upstairs.

Draco crouched down fearfully.

_Harry could be upstairs._

He glanced at the door to the boys' dormitory and swallowed._ Risk it?_

He moved up the staircase in what he hoped was a noiseless manner.

A strange unwashed smell he could hardly find imaginable and certainly not acceptable in the Slytherin dorms wafted toward him as he opened the door.

"Harry…" he cooed softly. "C'mere Harry darling…here Harry…"

He scowled at the tuft of red hair from Weasley's covers. He squatted down to look under the Gryffindor's bed. This was clearly where the unwashed smell was emanating from.

"Oh Merlin." He gasped, covering his face.

He moved to the next bed. "Harry…" he mumbled. A soft purring sound reached his ears. "Harry?"

Harry hated dreaming, mainly due to the fact that they always contained some cryptic message involving Voldemort and/or death (usually and).

His current dream, however, was different and fantastically more horrific. _This_ dream involved Draco Malfoy and himself doing the nasty in a row boat…for some reason it was the row boat that unsettled him. Why a rowboat?

He spotted Butterwick on the edge of the boat. "Butterwick?"

He crawled toward the cat, mesmerized.

Butterwick gave him a quick wink before plunging into the lake.

Harry lunged forward.

Draco caught his hand. "Harry."

He pulled free and dove after the feline.

Everything became surreal as he moved through the water, searching desperately for the cat.

"Butterwick!" He choked on water, not realizing that it had been rather stupid to scream underwater.

Darkness eased around him as he drifted deeper.

Draco's soft, eerie voice followed him.

"Harry…Harry…Harry…"

Harry snapped upright and glanced around the room.

"Harry."

He rubbed his eyes and snatched up his glasses.

"Harry."

"What?"

Someone in the shadows jumped up.

"What is it?" he mumbled.

The figure tensed, backing away slowly.

Harry put on his glasses.

Beside his bed, stood the very boy had been shagging in a row boat moments before.

"Malfoy, what are you—"

The other boy silenced him. "What do you want?"

"I want to know why you are in the Gryffindor dormitory," he said calmly.

Malfoy shifted uneasily. "I was…er…looking for my…um…my cat," he managed finally.

"Your cat?" said Harry.

Malfoy scowled.

Harry adjusted his glasses and leaned forward a bit. "And uh…why were you whispering my name?"

Malfoy seemed even more embarrassed. "That's um…his name," he mumbled. "His name is Harry."

Harry was getting the impression that either he or Malfoy was bonkers. He wasn't sure which yet.

"You see," the other boy continued awkwardly. "He looks incredibly like you…green eyes…black hair…and such."

Harry's eyes widened. "That sounds like my cat, Butterwick."

Malfoy pointed at him victoriously. "I knew it! Catnapper!"

Harry frowned. "Are you on crack or something?"

Malfoy gave him a confused look. "I'm standing on a crack in the floor…I guess… Why?"

"Nevermind."

Harry stood, only to reveal that he was shirtless.

The Slytherin paled, giving him a strange look. "Where is he?"

Harry glanced at him in annoyance. "He likes to sleep in the drawer over here," he said.

He froze. "Um…he's gone."

Malfoy gave an angry huff. "You're hiding him from me, aren't you?"

"Don't be stupid."

"You're out to get me. You always have been! And now, you've taken the only pet I've ever loved!"

He shoved Harry who bumped into the bed.

Harry pushed him back and pinned him to the wall.

"Ow!" Malfoy squealed.

"Quit being such a whiney bitch!" Harry hissed.

Malfoy seemed flustered by the look on Harry's face.

Harry turned away quickly. "I don't know where Butterwick…er…Harry is, but we're going to have to figure this out sensibly."

Malfoy bit his lip.

Harry sighed in exasperation.

The Slytherin perked up suddenly. "Oh look, there's a note!"


	6. Soft Spot 6

_Hello Draco and Harry,_

_I assume you are reading this together…and both of you in your jammies, how cute!_

_Yes, I have your dearest kitty, Harry Butterwick the Fourth (You don't my adding the Fourth do you? It sounds much more dignified.), but you must remember that he was mine to begin with. I had every right to take him back._

_Sorry to have inconvenienced you in any way. I hope that we may all move on with our lives as best we can. HB the Fourth will be fine. I am very grateful to you for taking care of him. Thank you._

_My sincerest thanks and apologies,_

_Mysterious Person_

"What?" snapped Draco. "That's it? It's just over? No hidden clue to lead us onward?"

Harry frowned at the letter in silence.

Draco scowled. "The nerve of some people."

"This person is obviously mad," said Harry.

"That's the least insane I have ever heard them be!" Draco cried. "The letter…it sounds normal! Rational! _Completely_ sensical!"

Harry shrugged. "I don't know… 'the Fourth' thing seemed rather strange to me."

"Oh come on. It does sound pretty damn dignified if you ask me!"

"You know what this means, don't you?" Harry gave Draco a meaningful look.

The blonde blinked. "What?"

A determined grin erupted on the Gryffindor's face. "A quest."

"A quest?" Draco looked confused.

"A quest," Harry repeated.

"I'm sorry. You'll have to elaborate. I'm afraid heroic missions aren't in the Slytherin line of work. I'm unfamiliar."

"We rescue HB the Fourth from the clutches of the previously mad, now quite sane catnapper."

Silence.

"As in…we go get him," Harry said.

"Oh."

The Gryffindor rolled his eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me!" Draco snapped.

Harry repeated the action.

"Don't!" The Slytherin's voice had become increasingly whiney.

"Do you ever shut up?" Harry groaned.

"Do you ever not suck?" Draco mimicked in return.

"I hate you."

"I hate you more."

They stood glaring at each other. Their bodies were a scant inch or so apart, breaths mingling in the darkness.

Harry's eyes wandered a moment, his thoughts drifting back to his dream. He turned away quickly. "Oh Merlin, no!"

Draco seemed perplexed. "What?"

"Nothing," Harry muttered. "Certainly not thinking about you naked…"

"What was that?"

Harry struggled to find a word that rhymed with naked. "I said…certainly want stinking about new bake…ed…"

"That makes no sense."

"Erm…you're pretty?"

The blonde perked up. "Oo, thank you."

That was not at all the direction Harry had wanted to go. "I didn't mean…er…crap…I…" He sighed in defeat. "You're welcome."

The Slytherin had a smirk very reminiscent of HB the Fourth's on his face. "So about this questical adventure of ours…"

Harry managed to turn around but continued to avoid Draco's eyes. "Yes?"

"I'm not so sure about it… Who would be going?"

Harry frowned. "Just the two of us."

The Slytherin was up to some sort of mischief. Harry could tell.

"Danger? Braverism? Swashbucklery?"

The Gryffindor was thoroughly confused. "I guess."

Draco picked nonexistent lint off his sleeve. "Then I have just one thing to say."

"What's that?"

A wicked grin appeared. "When do we leave?" He paused. "Oh, that and…I know you like my ass."

Harry stumbled back a bit in horror. "I—I like what? What makes you say that?" he stammered.

The Slytherin had started toward the door. "Because everyone does. I mean, look at it. It's pretty awesome."

Harry found himself studying the other boy's rear immediately. He had to admit…it was pretty awesome…as far as that kind of thing went.

Draco paused at the top of the stairs. "I'll see you tomorrow to plan all the daring do and such."

Harry nodded. "I promise you, Draco, we'll find HB the Fourth."

The Slytherin struck a triumphant pose—hands on hips, groin jutting out (much to Harry's discomfort), chin aimed high. "Soon it will all come to an end," he announced ominously. "Mission solved. Mystery accomplished.

Harry didn't even bother to correct the other boy as the blonde leapt down toward the common room with glee. "Oh boy."

He headed back to his bed and crawled in. It was at this moment that he began to wonder why none of his roommates had been woken by all the noise. It seemed strangely convenient…as if an author was writing a story about him and had not bothered to realize this detail until the end of the chapter.

Harry then realized that he had discovered far too much and went to sleep.


	7. Soft Spot 7

Pansy didn't know why Harry Potter was standing in her bedroom. She did know however that she did not like it when Draco's fantasies were imposed on her own.

"Aren't you supposed to show up in a rowboat?" she muttered drearily.

The Gryffindor tilted his head like a puppy. She mistook his confusion as to how she knew about the rowboat for confusion as to what she meant.

"Isn't that how it usually works when Draco dreams about you?"

Harry, who was certainly not of anyone's imagination (not even Draco's), frowned. "I think you've mistaken me for someone else."

Pansy sat up, realizing that this was not a hallucination and that the _real_ Harry Potter was standing in her bedroom.

It was as her covers slid into her lap that both she and Harry realized that she was in her knickers.

"Oh bollocks!" Pansy hissed, snatching a sheet back up.

Harry blushed and stared at the floor.

"What are you doing in my room?" she snapped.

The Gryffindor scratched his head sheepishly. "Well, I was…erm…looking for Draco's room. This one looked girly enough…I just assumed…"

She scowled at him. She considered telling him to piss off but paused. "Wait. Why are you looking for Draco? Wait. You just called him Draco? Wait. My room's girly?"

Harry seemed unsure of which question he was supposed to answer. "Did I say girly? I meant…sophisticated…and tasteful. Very chic."

She snatched a shirt from her nightstand and pulled it over her head. "Don't try your lame arse flattery on me, Potter. I'm not a ditzy little moron."

Harry shrugged. "Works on Draco."

"Exactly."

Harry had to agree with the girl.

"You haven't answered my other questions," she said. Her grave expression gave Harry an icy feeling in his gut.

He tried to remember the other two inquiries frantically. "Could you refresh me on those?"

"The first concerned you using Draco's first name."

"Well," he stared with uncertainty. "It just seemed the natural thing to do, I guess."

She accepted the response and waited for him to finish.

"And…" continued Harry. "I am looking for him because we are going on a quest."

The Slytherin looked at him as if he was mad. "That sounds completely idiotic."

Harry gave her a flustered look. He clearly wasn't use to this kind of interrogation. It was considerably harsher than the gentle prodding Hermione exhibited upon her friends.

"Incredibly far-fetched and stupid…" Pansy sighed then nodded. "Something Draco would definitely do…"

Harry's heart ticked with relief.

"I'll show you to his room," she said. She was about to get out of bed when she remembered her trouserless demeanor. She glared at her guest. "Well…turn around."

Harry whipped around and stared at the wall. How could such a pretty girl be so frightening?

"Okay," said Pansy after a length.

When he turned around, she had put on a pair of old jeans and some giraffe socks.

"Why giraffes?" he mumbled.

"Giraffes are cool, okay?" She brushed past him defensively, her hair smacking him in the face as she passed.

"Oh my bad," he tried to say, his voice muffled through a mouthful of sweet scented bed head.

Pansy rolled her eyes and led him out the door. "This is the girls' corridor," she explained. "The boys are on the other side of the common room."

Harry was surprised at how much difficulty he was having keeping up with her brisk pace. "Wait…How did I get into the girls' dorms anyway?"

"What do you mean?"

"In the Gryffindor tower, there are charms…to prevent the boys from getting to the girls' rooms."

The Slytherin laughed. "Not every house in Hogwarts is as full of prudes as yours, Potter. Some of us know how to have a good time."

She winked at him and continued down the hallway. It was then that Harry realized how pale she was. It gave her a sort of eerie yet captivating beauty, especially the way it contrasted her dark brown hair. Pale…like Draco.

"You think this hall is long enough or what?"

Pansy looked at him as if he had said the stupidest thing she had ever heard which it wasn't…Draco says a lot of stupid things, but it was top ten…which is still impressively stupid.

"I've never taken the thought into consideration to be truthful," she said. She was being far too kind to him. This wasn't like her.

She entered a room at the end of the corridor and beckoned for him to do the same. "Draco…you've got a gentleman caller."

They stood awkwardly in the darkness for awhile.

"So…" she said. "What kind of quest is this?"

He opened his mouth to reply.

"A secret one!" A sharp voice emerged from across the room as the lights switched on.

"Damnit. It's only Potter."

Draco stood in a doorway, wearing a pair of silk boxers depicting a rowdy Bar Mitzvah.

Harry just stared. "It's good to see you too, Malfoy."

The other boy draped himself across a green armchair. He picked up a book and eyed it as if it were leprous. He ran his fingers along the binding absently.

"I'm merely disappointed that you're not Seamus Finnigan," he said. "He's usually my Tuesday night…recreation."

"Oh," replied Harry, refusing to acknowledge the mischievous look in Draco's eyes. "Seamus is sick today…or at least that's what Dean said. For some reason the cure involved Dean sticking his tongue down Seamus's throat while Seamus put his hand down Dean's pants."

Pansy ignored Harry's rambling and walked toward Draco. "What's this whole _quest_ thing about?"

The blonde smirked up at her. His eyebrow tilted in amusement. "Can't tell. It's a secret."

He reminded Harry very much of a child that had just got a decoder ring out of a cereal box and refused to share the secret message with his sister.

Pansy was unphased. "This is about that dumb cat again, isn't it?" she said.

"HB the Fourth isn't dumb!" Harry and Draco cried in unison.

Pansy looked mortified. "HB the Fourth? What the hell is going on?"

"Nothing," Draco assured her. He smiled sweetly. "Don't you worry your pretty little head about it, love." He set the book down and stood.

Pansy gave the blonde a look that was apparently meant to light _his_ pretty little head on fire. Harry suspected that if she did, Draco would hardly notice.

"Draco, I'm not about to let you just go off on one of your lunatic schemes…Merlin knows what a disaster you'll make of it."

Draco smiled. "Don't worry. Harry will be there to keep me in check."

"I highly doubt Potter is capable of any such thing."

Harry decided not to feel insulted. Draco seemed like a person that would be very difficult to control, but Pansy could probably manage. Harry wouldn't mind giving it a try…in the right situation.

Draco sulked. "You're never any fun, Pansy."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm just looking out for you, Draco. If neither of you is, I'm going to have to force it upon you." She handed the blonde a shirt. "Just be glad it's me…I'm a lot gentler than most."

Draco took it reluctantly and yanked it on with a pout. The front of the black tee read SEXY BEAST in silver letters.

"I'm coming with you," said Pansy. "Wherever you're going."

Harry looked at her. "You're what?"

"No, you're not," Draco insisted. He glided over to the wardrobe, the back of his shirt displaying the words MAKE ALL DELIVERIES IN THE REAR in the same silver print.

Harry leaned over to Pansy. "Has Draco ever openly admitted he's gay?"

"Does he really need to?" she asked.

"Now," said Draco. He turned around and held up a gold encrusted box. "To business."


	8. Chapter 8

Draco, did you really have to show us your collection of potato chips that resemble Professor Snape before we left?" asked Harry.

"You looked like you needed a morale boost before we left," Draco said. "Besides they're very dear to me."

"I can tell," said Harry. "They must be if you keep them locked up in a gold encrusted chest like that."

Pansy trudged through the dark behind them scowling. "Why are we in the Forbidden Forest?"

"Atmosphere, my lady," said Draco. "Atmosphere."

She glared at him. "You know…when you said 'Down to business' I assumed you had some sort of plan."

The blonde laughed, brushing a hand against her arm. "Oh Pansy, you know I don't plan ahead. I'm spontaneous. We'll just have to play it by ear."

"We could have thought up some sort of strategy in the room!" she snapped. "We could—"

Draco rearranged his robes. "Nope, it's too late now."

"No, it's not! We could—"

"No! It's too late!"

There was an awkward pause as Pansy made a move for her housemate's throat while Harry performed some sort of act that one would hope was an attempt to stop her, although it could very well have been an attempt to assist her.

Draco had no notion that any sort of mutiny was in progress. He merely strolled along ahead of the tussle.

Whatever Harry's motives, Pansy was eventually successful at tripping their rag tag leader.

Draco gave a disgruntled "oof!" as his face met a particular portion of dirt that he had rather expected to be under his feet.

"Hello ground," he muttered.

Harry helped both Slytherins to their feet. "This is ridiculous," he said. "What are we even doing?"

"Saving HB the Fourth!" Draco cried.

"We should just go back to bed."

The blonde gasped. "Treacherous fiend! And I thought you cared!" He sniffled.

Harry looked pained. "I do, but—"

Draco grinned. "Good! Let's go!"

He pulled out a necklace and held it up in the moonlight.

Pansy took a break from wiping dirt off her robes and contemplating murder to squint at the object.

"What is it?" she asked.

Harry didn't like the look Draco had in his eyes.

"A time turner," replied the blonde.

"Why?" Harry inquired. He knew the dangers of time travel, especially when it involved the mentally unstable.

"Our quest."

"Draco, put it down."

Draco blinked. "We need it."

"Why?"

"Time travel."

"Why would we need to travel through time to find a cat?" asked Pansy.

Draco shrugged. "I dunno. Plenty of stories contain incredibly lame and baseless reasons for time travel…why not do the readers a favor and not have any reason at all?"

"Readers? What readers?"

The blonde chuckled nervously. "Nothing! Um…let's go!"

He wrapped the chain around their necks. "Hm…perhaps three turns will do it?"

Harry's eyes widened. "You mean you don't even know how to work this thing?"

Draco laughed. "Yeah…about that."

_Whoosh!_

Pansy kicked Draco in the shin.

"Ow, that hurt!"

"Don't just fuck around with time travel, you idiot! We could die!"

Draco sighed and patted her on the head. "Pansy, don't exaggerate. _You_ could die. I'm far too attractive to die like that."

Harry dragged the infuriated Slytherin aside. "Pansy, calm down. It's Draco. You should know better by now. You can't expect him to be anything other than a complete and utter moron…no matter how much you want to strangle him until his pretty little head pops off…gorgeous blonde hair and all…you have to…you have to…"

"Harry, you're squeezing me really hard," she said," and comfortable would not be the word I would use to describe it."

Harry stepped back. "Oh right. What was I saying?"

"You were explaining how I should be patient with Draco and refrain from terminating his meaningless life?"

"Ah yes…"Harry muttered. "Do that."

Pansy looked up at him for a moment.

"What is it?"

She smirked. "Nothing."

"No really?"

She pulled a strand of hair behind her ear. "Oh, it's just…Draco was right. You _do_ have the sexiest green eyes."

Harry felt his ears go red as she spoke. "Oh…thank you," he mumbled.

Pansy rolled her eyes and walked back over to Draco who seemed engrossed with a leaf.

"Draco," she snapped. "Do you even know where we are?"

"Of course, I do," he said, still staring at the leaf. "The Forbidden Forest."

She gave an irritated sigh. "Do you have any idea _when_ we are?"

He brightened up. "Oh! No…I don't."

Harry was beginning to wish he had studied more for that test on healing spells.

Pansy raised a finger and seemed about to speak when she froze.

"I hear something," Harry hissed. "Everyone in the bushes, quick!"

Draco sniggered.

"No dirty jokes involving the word 'bushes', please."

"Oh poo."

A pale figure broke into the clearing, screaming like a little girl.

Harry watched in amusement. "Hey Draco, isn't that you our first year? Remember when we had detention, and you got scared and ran off?"

"I was not scared!"

Eleven-year-old Draco curled into the fetal position and began to sob.

"Right," said Pansy. "Real manly."

"I don't like this game anymore," Draco sniffled. "Let's go."

He smiled suddenly as he wrapped the chain around his companions.

Harry and Pansy exchanged worried looks.

"This time…I've got a plan!"


	9. Chapter 9

"We're here!" Draco announced cheerfully.

Harry looked at the surrounding darkness with what little shred of optimism he had left.

Pansy's glower made her obvious disdain apparent in the silence.

"Ready to go?" asked Draco.

"Where are we going?" Harry mumbled. Caring simply wasn't worth the energy anymore. Even Pansy didn't seem to want to put forth the mental effort to exude hatred toward her friend.

"Lead the way," she mumbled.

Harry threw her a worried look.

She sighed. "Look…it doesn't matter where he takes us. He'll put us in just as much danger wherever we go."

Draco nodded. "If there's one thing that I've taught Pansy over the years, it's that I can make any situation worse than she can possibly imagine."

"It's true," she said. "Never thought I'd be washing Jell-O out of my hair after my cousin's baptism…"

"I'm a hazard," Draco piped happily.

Harry smiled. "I can see that."

The image of Hogwarts glimmered at them through the trees. Harry felt relief in the fact that they were heading toward a familiar building…one in which he knew where all the exits and fire alarms were located.

The relief quickly dissipated as their course veered toward Hogsmeade.

"Draco…" Pansy muttered warningly.

The blonde trotted out to the nearest road and thrust out his wand. "Bus stop. Bus goes. She stays. Love grows…under my umbrella!"

She frowned at him and looked to Harry. "He's far too fond of muggle oldies. He's very secretive about it though…Think of the scandal!"

"It's just a song," Harry said. "How controversial could it be?"

Draco proceeded to swing around the light pole Harry couldn't quite remember being there a moment ago. "OTHER PEOPLE STARED AS IF WE WERE BOTH QUITE INSANE…"

"That's because you are!" Pansy snapped.

"I stand corrected," murmured the Gryffindor.

Pansy yanked Draco away from the pole. "Stop this! The bus will be along any moment. _People will see you_!"

Draco drew a blank. "Bus?"

"The one you just flagged," Pansy explained.

That unsettling grin erupted on Draco's face once again making Harry subconsciously review all the healing spells in his repertoire.

"Oh yes…yes, the bus." The blonde giggled. "I'm brilliant."

Harry stepped forward. "Uh…Draco?"

The other boy clutched Harry by the front of his shirt, their noses smashed together. "This better be about how brilliant I am. I am in thought, Potter. You can't interfere when a great mind is at work!"

Harry sighed. "Er…yes. Great mind…of course." He pried Draco's hands from his clothing. "I was just letting you know that the bus is here."

"Oh!" Draco turned around and observed the purple monstrosity, unsure of himself. "What do we do?"

Pansy took him by the hand and pulled him up the steps. "We get on."

Draco gazed at the interior in awe. He reminded Harry very much of a tourist riding the subway for the first time who didn't quite understand why everyone on this enchanting form of transportation smelled like dog poop rolled in soggy cabbage.

" 'Ello," Stan greeted them cheerfully.

Draco convulsed at the sight of the acne infested youth. "Sweet Zandar!"

Pansy was on top of it. She instantly clamped a hand over her housemate's mouth and smiled. "Hi, we're going to—" She paused. "Where _are _we going to?"

Draco wretched free of her grasp. "SS Guns'n'Handcuffs!" he cried.

The bus driver looked alarm but started out on the road.

"Guns'n'Handcuffs?" Harry asked. He didn't like the sound o f such a place at all.

"Yes," Draco replied. He grinned stupidly as Pansy led him toward the back of the bus. "By the way," he blurted out as they passed Stan. "What happened to your—ow!" He pouted and rubbed his head where Pansy had pulled his hair.

"Draco, shut up!" she hissed.

He sulked. "But it looks like his face exploded or somethi—ow!"

"Behavior psychology is a lie," she said.

Harry followed his companions reluctantly. He paused, noticing a newspaper lying beside Stan's chair. "Could I borrow that?"

The other boy shrugged and handed it over. "Go ahead."

"Thanks."


	10. Chapter 10

Draco and Pansy were still arguing when Harry reached their seat.

"Not everyone is blessed with flawless skin!" Pansy snapped.

Draco rolled his eyes. "You don't think I know that?" He gave her a meaningful look. "Pansy…I am _very_ aware of those traits that set me above everyone else…and flawless skin has always been one of them."

Harry quickly sat in between them, thus preventing the strangling Pansy had promised in her eyes. "Hey guys!"

Draco smirked at him as if actually enjoying his company. "Hi Harry."

"Erm…hi."

"You like my flawless skin, don't you?" The blonde was getting uncomfortably close.

"Sure." Harry paled as Draco pressed his cheek into Harry's palm.

"Soft, isn't it?"

"Um…yeah."

"Delicate," Draco muttered. He ran Harry's fingers down his neck. "Smooth…enticing…"

Harry licked his lips, throat drying faster than a raisin on a hot day. "Very…" he murmured.

Draco leaned forward and stuck his tongue out at Pansy. "See? Harry agrees with me."

"Of course he does," Pansy said. "You've got him all hot and bothered. Anyone could do that."

Draco chuckled. "Not like the master," he said gesturing to himself.

Pansy glared at him for a moment then turned a sweet yet predatory look on Harry. "It isn't skin that's important," she said breathily. "Right, Harry?"

He blushed. "Um…I…"

She took his hand. "It's the lips."

Harry watched in amazement as she inserted a finger into her mouth and sucked gently. His whole body shuddered in excitement.

"You're shameless," Draco said. "Quit teasing him."

Pansy removed the finger and scowled at Draco. "You're always teasing him."

"Yeah, but I found him first!"

"He's not your property."

"That's what you think!"

Pansy rolled her eyes and looked out the window.

"Harry?" Draco asked.

Harry stared at the bus floor, hands over groin. "Yes?" he squeaked.

"You okay?"

"Very much so."

"Ah…" The blonde seemed at a loss for a moment. "Anything interesting in the paper?"

Pansy also turned to stare at the paper lying across Harry's legs. "Gimme that!" she exclaimed, snatching it up. She flipped to the front page and searched for the date. "We've traveled to one year in the future? Draco, what are you—"

"Shh!" Draco glared at her and pressed his ear to the compartment door beside him. "The ladies next to us are gossiping, and I just _have_ to know what they think of Mrs. Briggs no good son-in-law."

Pansy looked to Harry who pulled the other boy back over to their seats without thinking.

"Public transportation is fascinating," Draco cried.

Harry took Draco by the shoulders. "Draco, what are we doing?"

"Doing? We're sitting on the bus."

Harry looked at him seriously. "Pansy, excuse me for a moment. Draco, this is for your own good."

Harry then proceeded to toss the blonde around violently, half-dreading half-praying the other boy could still suffer from Shaken Baby Syndrome.

Draco spun around dizzily as soon as Harry released him. He looked around like a dazed possum in daylight and sat down. "You were saying?"

"What. Is. Our. Plan?" Harry repeated.

Draco raised a finger, a brief moment of poise before the words leaked out. "Oh yes…we are going to Guns'n'Handcuffs."

"Yes, we got that part," Pansy said. "But why?"

"We…that is…I am going to ask…myself…" He pointed at his chest and smiled. "What my plan is…"

"What?"

"My future self…he'll know."


	11. Chapter 11

After half an hour of enduring bump after bump and allowing Draco to doze on his shoulder despite the drooling, Harry felt the bus jolt to a stop.

Pansy sighed and tossed the paper on the floor. She stood and looked over at the two boys. "Aw…how adorable," she said in a toneless voice. She gave Draco an affectionate kick. "Sleeping Beauty, time to go."

Draco peeped an eye open and moaned. "If I'm Sleeping Beauty, why do I have to wake up to you hurting me instead of a handsome prince smooching me?"

"Cause Potter was too busy drying your saliva off his shoulder to kiss you," Pansy said. "Now get up."

Harry trailed after the Slytherins with a sigh. He dropped his spit soaked jacked on the nearest seat. It really wasn't much use anymore.

As soon as he stepped off the bus, Draco was a creature filled with purpose. He was a tarantula during mating season, and their destination was a female in heat. Whether he was successful or his female would kill him was uncertain. Either way, someone was gonna get fucked.

"This way!" Draco cried, starting down the street.

"We're heading toward the docks," Pansy muttered to Harry. "Draco and water is never a good combination."

Harry just focused on the back of the blonde head in front of him as they dashed on through the foggy streets.

They finally came to a stop on a rickety dock surrounded by some shifty and decidedly un-heterosexual institutions.

While Harry was eyeing these sketchy establishments, Pansy was studying the dark, shifty, sketchy, and decidedly un-heterosexual ship floating in front of them.

"Um…Draco, are you sure this is the place?" she asked.

The blonde nodded. "Of course! If I know my future self…which I do…he'll be here."

"I see…" she muttered. _SS Guns'n'Handcuffs _shimmered in gold and silver letters from the ship's side. "You know…I don't even want to make a cutting remark about this one."

"Let's go," Draco said cheerfully.

Pansy hesitated. "Maybe one of us should go check it out first…so we don't all walk into danger at once."

"Brilliant!" exclaimed Draco. "I'll go." He quickly scrambled up the ladder before Pansy could stop him. He scanned the dock. "You guys should probably hide somewhere…just in case. How about over there?" He pointed to a rather narrow alley. "I'll meet you there in a bit."

Harry panicked. "Draco, wai—"

"Tootles!"

And just like that Harry and Pansy were alone. They stood awkwardly for a moment.

"So…" Pansy muttered. "To the alley?"

"To the alley."

They hurried over to the designated meeting place and sidled in beside each other despite its dark, shifty, sketchy, yet not so decidedly un-heterosexual aura.

Harry rested his head against the brick wall and tried not to notice how hot Pansy's breath felt on his neck.

"So…" he whispered, ignoring the fact that her hand was definitely resting on his thigh. "How long do you think Draco will be?"

Pansy shifted uncomfortably. "Hard to tell…" She winced as her head decided to test the wall's durability suddenly. "Dammit! Why did he have to choose the smallest fucking alley in the entire fucking area?"

"Because he's Draco," Harry replied. His eyes fluttered down towards her neck, towards the pure white of her throat that shone just above her scarf.

Pansy looked up at him slowly. Her hand had definitely not moved. She blushed. "We could look at it as a chance to get to know each other."

Harry felt his arm wrap around her waist. "Okay…um…what's your favorite Quidditch team?"

"I've never really thought about it."

"Oh. Erm…well, Draco was telling me that the Essex Egrets are doing well this year."

"What's your favorite movie?" she asked suddenly.

"I've always liked_ The Labyrinth_," Harry said.

Pansy grinned, inching ever so slightly closer. "Me too! I think David Bowie is just brilliant."

Harry nodded. "And the puppets—"

"Yeah!" She coiled an arm around his neck.

He glanced out toward the boat. "What do you think Draco would think about the Goblin King's hair?" He paused, noticing Pansy staring intently at him.

"Harry, I don't want to talk about Draco."

He quavered. "Oh. Okay. What do you want to—"

She cut him off with a kiss, yanking his head forward and pressing her lips to his with intense determination. Harry pulled her body against him without thinking. She felt so light in his arms.

She pulled away and gazed up at him, unnaturally timid. She bit her lip. "I'm sorry. I just—"

"Don't," Harry whispered. He leaned down to kiss her once again, their mouths almost brushing in the darkness.

"Cozy?"

They instantly broke apart and looked toward the intruder. Draco smirked back at them, all innocence.

"Draco," Pansy breathed. "What are you doing here…so soon?" She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"They sent me back," Draco replied.

"Why?"

Harry paled as the blonde turned his mischievous gaze on him.

"I was alone."


	12. Chapter 12

"Draco," Harry whispered, fastening a rhinestone collar to his neck and praying that he didn't look too ridiculous in the leather pants Draco had ordered him into. "Are you sure this isn't too risky?"

Draco merely smiled and hugged his white fur coat.

"Is this really necessary?"

The blonde slid sunglasses up his nose. "Of course! Future me is on that boat, and this is the only way we can get to him!"

Harry's hands drifted to his rear, tracing the waistband that clung just above the crack. "I realize that, but…" He sighed in final exasperation. "But why aren't you wearing pants?"

"I'm Eccentric Millionaire Draco," the Slytherin replied. "Besides…this coat is amazing!"

The coat seemed quite capable of engulfing the blonde completely to Harry—the polar beat that it once was making its final rebellion against the fur industry and poncy blonde queers that invested in said industry.

"And why am I on a leash?" Harry tugged on the silver chain that hung from his collar to Draco's wrist.

"Because Sex Pet Harry is the perfect compliment to my Eccentric Millionaire Draco."

Harry cautiously checked his leather clad booty once again. "You know, half the time, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Me neither," Draco chimed. "I'm sure it makes sense to someone."

"Nice stilettos by the way."

"Oh thank you." Draco looked toward the SS Guns'n'Handcuffs with determination. "Let's do this."

"Names," inquired a rather dumpy gentleman as Harry and Draco ascended.

"Eccentric Millionaire Draco," Draco replied, chipper as always.

The doorman looked at Harry.

Harry cringed. "Don't make me say it…"

Draco gave his buttock a fierce pinch.

"Ow! Fine, fine…I'm…oh hell…Sex Pet Harry."

The doorman nodded. "Ah yes, a nice pairing if I do say so. Much better than mine, I must say."

"Pleased to make your acquaintance," Draco said, holding out a hand.

"Fat Reject Harry," the doorman replied.

Harry paled. "Dear Merlin! Are you me? How…how…"

"Grotesque?" suggested Draco.

"Who would ever be paired with you?"

Fat Reject Harry sighed. "I just secretly admire Narcissist Draco." He gestured to a Draco seated on the edge of the ship who was rather engrossed in the mirror. Fat Reject Harry watched dejectedly as the blonde kissed his reflection a little too passionately. "He hardly needs me, I suppose. As long as he possesses a somewhat reflective surface, he's satisfied."

Harry simply stared in horror and trailed behind Draco.

"Hm…" Draco murmured. "I think we should try the bar."

"Nice trousers," purred a strange Draco in Harry's ear.

Harry jumped away, blushing terribly as the stranger took a firm grasp of his precariously clothed hinny. "Aieee!"

Draco intervened haughtily. "Would you be so kind as to refrain from manhandling my bedroom carousel? Not everyone gets a ride, you know!"

"Your bedroom what?"

Draco ruffled Harry's hair with affection. "Don't worry, love. Daddy will get you some brand new assless chaps as soon as we get home."

Harry's blush increased to morbid pink. "But I—" He nearly choked as Draco yanked on the chain imperiously.

"Come, my pet."

The Gryffindor scowled and retaliated by yanking back. "This leash thing is ridiculous! Take it off of me!" he ordered.

Draco smirked in a way that implied that he would do no such thing. "But you look so sexy when you're submissive," he said.

Harry didn't feel safe when Draco got this close to him, and leather isn't the best at concealing…things. "Draco, what are you—Draco, stop it."

Draco slid a hand behind Harry's head and eased his lips up to the taller boy's mouth. "I like seeing you squirm, Harry," he whispered. "Especially when you try to pull up your pants when you think I can't see you."

Harry quickly countered with an equally enthusiastic kiss, this time slipping his way between the other boy's lips, tasting for the first time what was behind that smug grin.

Draco pulled back and smiled. "I prefer them hanging low." He shoved Harry into a wall and pressed his thin, welcoming body against the overwhelmed Gryffindor. "Dangerously low."

Harry was finding it hard to even ponder coherent speech at this time. He reached out and pulled the blonde against him roughly, reversing their positions and pinning Draco with ferocity.

Draco paled with surprise and excitement.

"I'll leave them down then," Harry moaned forcefully.

Draco arched his back with a cry of helplessness as their mouths met once again. "Please!"

"Draco, I—"

"Excuse me." A pair of Harry's and Draco's squeezed by the two boys, giving them little attention.

The short moment was enough for Harry to regain his senses. "Oh my…what are we doing? We have to find…_you_."

Draco seemed more reluctant to move on. "Um, yes…I suppose we should…" His eyes trailed down Harry's body. "…should…"

"Go?" Harry finished.

"Yes, go."

They quickly started down into the hull, embarrassed.

"It's probably just the atmosphere," Harry assured himself more than Draco.

Draco nodded. "Yes, we would certainly never do that on a normal day…I would hope."

"Oh no, never."

Draco frowned. "Oh drat, you got me all hot and bothered, and my amazing coat is sweaty."

"Makes you rethink the wardrobe, doesn't it?"

The blonde looked astounded. "Never! I'd rather die! Next you'll tell me that animal treatment is more important than suede and ivory."

Harry sighed. "Oh Draco…its times like these when wonder why PETA hasn't devoted an entire website to you yet."


	13. Chapter 13

"Oh great…terrible techno remixes and a 70s-esque light up disco floor. Fantastic."

Harry glanced over his shoulder as another version of himself punched another Draco in the arm.

"Oh cheer up, Dripping with an Unhealthy Amount of Sarcasm Draco," said the Harry. "Lighten up! It'll be fun… We can dance!"

Dripping with an Unhealthy Amount of Sarcasm Draco sighed. "Well, I have been just itching to bump and grind, and this electronic combo of Barbie Girl and Lovecats is rather catchy."

"Now you're just being rude. Besides, I'm sure you can relate to the song… You're blonde and _catty_."

Dripping With… (oh for goodness sake)…Sarcasm Draco rolled his eyes. "Ha. Ha. You kill me Overly Optimistic Harry." He frowned. "You really do."

"Draco, is everyone here as crazy as you?" Harry asked.

Draco blinked. "Oh, I'm sorry. Were you talking to me, love?"

Harry glared in frustration. "Yes…"

"Well, there are a lot of Draco's around," Draco replied. "You'll have to be more specific."

Harry had to admit there were an awful lot of Draco's around, each accompanied by a Harry. "Sorry…" he sighed. "Eccentric Millionaire Draco, is everyone here as wacko…as nutso…as cuckoo…as off their rockers…as batshit insane as you are?"

Draco looked at him with the expression of an exasperated mother. "I get your point, and yes, they are." He searched the room. "I think…" He trailed off.

"What?" asked Harry.

"I think…" Draco squinted at the bar. "I think we need a drink."

"Finally, something that makes sense," Harry said. "Booze I understand."

They approached the bar, manned by a sleek Draco in leather trousers and decidedly no shirt.

"I'll have a Stupendous Stout," Harry said confidently.

"Don't have any," replied the bartender.

"Burfender's Bubbling Brew?"

"Nope."

"Auspiciously Awesome Ale?"

"'Fraid not."

"Pigman Pint?"

"Thankfully no."

Harry gave his own leather pants a hike. "Do you have beer…just plain beer of any kind?"

"This is a cocktail bar," the bartender responded.

"Cock…tails…?"

The bartender smiled. "That's right, babe…sound it out."

Harry grimaced. "Ack!" He watched in horror as the bartender climbed up on the counter and began gyrating seductively to the music.

"Lemme guess…Coyote Ugly Draco?"

Coyote Ugly Draco smiled. "For your viewing pleasure."

"Honey, get off the bar. I swear…I turn my back for one minute, and you're up there shaking your groove thang and spraying booze all over the men as if you were Tyra herself."

Coyote Ugly Draco hopped down and gave the other bartender a peck on the cheek. "Well, I have to sneak a few dances while you're busy tossing bottles around to impress the blondes, Similar to Tom Cruise in Cocktails Harry."

Harry was beginning to detest these far too elaborate names. "Can I just get inebriated already?"

"Sure," said Coyote Ugly Draco with a wink. "What'll it be?"

"Something manly, please."

Similar to Tom Cruise in Cocktails Harry looked doubtful. "How manly?"

Harry pleaded to the sky with his eyes. "Manly as you've got? Manly-ish?"

Coyote Ugly Draco whipped up a pink liquid and poured it in a sleek martini glass. "Erotic Tryst in the Broom Closet, it is!" He handed it to Harry with a flourish.

Harry stared at it in defeat. "If this is as manly as it gets, Viktor Krum must be a fairy princess."

Coyote Ugly Draco plopped a cherry and a pink umbrella in the drink.

"Thanks," Harry said. He paused, hearing a strange giggle.

"Oh, Similar to Tom Cruise in Cocktails Harry…you're shameless!"

"How can I help it when such a beautiful boy needs a drink?"

"Stop it! You're making me blush!"

"A rosy compliment to your flawless skin. That is an amazing coat, by the way," Far Too Long a Name Harry purred.

Harry turned to see Draco…_his_ Draco flirting with I'm a Douche Bag Who Is After Other Harrys' Draco's That Somewhat Resembles Tom Cruise in a Cinematic Snorefest Harry.

"Here you go. One Senor Happy in the Pants Mocha Frappe Flavorfiesta…on the rocks."

"Thanks, dreamboat."

"Don't mention it," Similar to Tom Cruise in Cocktails Harry replied. He took Draco's hand and pressed a slip of paper into it. "And here's my number," he whispered. He winked. "Give me a call, gorgeous."

Harry stormed over and snatched the paper. "First of all…_all_ of the Draco's look the same…so I see no reason for the special flattery, and second of all, this Draco is mine…or I'm his…or whatever. And third…you suck…a lot."

Draco snatched the number back. "If I want to call him…I will."

Snatch. "No, you won't!"

Snatch. "Stop it!"

Snatch. "No!"

Snatch. "Back off!"

Snatch. "I don't like it when you flirt with other guys, Draco!"

Draco paled then blushed. "You don't?"

Harry tore up the paper. He ran a hand through his hair with embarrassment. "Um…no, I don't. I don't want you to flirt with anyone but me.."

"That's so adorable I could piss myself," cried nearby Emo Draco."

"Right…" Harry mumbled. "Draco, I need to know right now…I need to know…" He exhaled. "I need to know where the hell your future self is," he said quickly. "Now quit flirting with Similar to that One Guy in that Crappy Film About Booze Harry and get to work!"


	14. Chapter 14

After ten minutes of watching Draco scrutinize every version of himself available, Harry had finished four Erotic Trysts in the Broom Closet.

"This truly is hell," he said, staring at his latest empty glass.

"What makes you say that?" Draco asked.

Harry winced as Emo Harry picked up a guitar and strummed.

"I'm sad cuz my nemesis died

I'm sad cuz Voldie said bye-bye

I'm sad cuz my boyfriend's a prick—"

"It's true!" Emo Draco cried.

"But I'm glad cuz he has a big—"

"Point taken," Draco replied hastily, dragging Harry as far away from the emo pair as possible.

"Draco…" Harry moaned like a petulant child.

"What?"

"How much longer until we find you?"

Draco sighed in irritation. "I don't know, Harry…I—" He froze. "Wait." He pointed across the room. "There!"

"It's rude to point."

"Shut up, Harry." Draco gave Harry's chain an extra hard yank. "Over there," he repeated. "That's me…in the future…which is the present…I guess…right now…"

Harry's gaze followed Draco's guiding gesture.

A lone Draco sat at a table in the corner, sipping a Senor Happy in the Pants Mocha Frappe Flavorfiesta serenely.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Harry looked again. "But he looks so…so…"

"Dashing? Handsome? _Hardening_?"

"Normal," Harry said.

"Really?" asked Draco. He looked his future self up and down. "How so?" He started across the room.

It was at this moment that Harry recalled Hermione telling him that people went mad if they encountered themselves while time traveling. "Draco, maybe we shouldn't—"

"Hello there, chap!" Draco cried cheerfully, approaching himself.

The future version of Draco gave them a perplexed look.

"Hi, I'm Draco," said Draco. He held out a hand. "And this is Harry."

The future version of Draco nodded. "Yes, well, nice to meet you. I'm Draco as well."

It was at this moment that Harry recalled that Draco couldn't possibly get any madder than he already was. "Just plain Draco? No stupid title tagged on the front?" he asked.

The future Draco smiled. "Well, I have always been fond of Eccentric Millionaire Draco…nice coat by the way."

Draco elbowed Harry. "See! I told you he's me!"

"I never said he wasn't!"

The future Draco smiled as they argued. "I remember when Harry and I fought like that."

"Wait," Harry said. "What do you mean? Where is your Harry—I mean, where am I?"

"Yeah, how'd you get on the boat without him?" Draco added.

The future Draco sighed. "Oh, he's not here right now."

"Oh, well, that's just like him, isn't it? Always too busy saving the world to notice attractive blonde Slytherins—"

Harry tapped Draco on the shoulder. "Draco…"

"What?"

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Shit! My car keys!"

"Okay…first of all, you don't know what a car is, much less how to drive one…and second, _that's not what I meant!_"

"I'm drawing a blank here…"

"HB the Fourth!"

"Oh yes," Draco said with a grin. He turned to his future self. "Excuse me…could you possibly—that is—do you happen to know—rather—what exactly or how exactly—"

"Everyone exit the ship immediately!" came the frantic cry of Coyote Ugly Draco.

Harry whirled around to see a man that looked strangely like Professor Snape dressed like a pirate hoisting Showgirl Harry over his shoulder. In fact, quite a large crowd of men resembling the Potions Master if he happened to wear pirate garb were snatching any Harry they could lay their hands on.

"Holy pirates, Batman Harry! The Infamous Snarry Pirates are attacking!" shrieked Robin Draco.

"Indeed they are, my observant chum," Batman Harry replied. "I believe one of them is handcuffing me to his belt as we speak."

The future version of Draco grabbed Draco frantically. "You have to get Harry out of here…NOW!"

Harry paled as the entire crowd hushed. "Draco…"

_Thump-creak-thump-creak-thump-creak!_

"The Snarry Captain," someone whispered in horrified awe.

Harry couldn't move, and every moment he heard the thump-creaks get closer. A firm hand met leather and squeezed Harry's butt like it had never been squeezed before. "Argh! I like me the look of that booty!"

"Insert terribly obvious pirate joke here," Draco muttered.

Harry wished he could spontaneously combust on command. "Draco," he squealed. "Help me."

The Snarry Captain turned Harry around and gave him a good and painfully slow look. "Boys!" he hollered. "I think I found me treasure!" And with a wild howl of laughter, he threw Harry over his shoulder and marched out of the room.

The crowd of lamenting Draco's fought back passionately. Unfortunately, as they were all big sissies, it was a useless battle.

Draco dashed out on the deck, just catching a glimpse of Harry in the crowd of unhealthy student-teacher relationships. "Harry!"

"Draco!"

"I'll save you! I promise!"

Harry didn't look convinced. "Sure…I just hope Professor Snape isn't too well hung!"

Draco frowned. "I'll rescue you AND I'll bring you a seat cushion! You'll probably need it for a few weeks!"

And with one last look of utter despair, Harry's face was lost. Draco turned away and shuffled down the gangplank.

"You have to go find him," the future Draco said. He sat on the dock's edge and glanced at the pirate ship sailing away.

"I know—"

"No, you don't!" The future Draco punched the wooden planks. "Don't make the same mistake I did. I watched Harry get taken from me once and did nothing," he said. "I won't do it again."

Draco blinked. "Well, what do you suggest?"

Meanwhile, Pansy was engaged in a heated philosophical debate with One-Eyed One-Legged Joe, the hobo whose alley she was currently occupying.

They had almost reached the point of understanding the meaning of life when two blonde heads popped around the corner.

Pansy shrieked. "Draco? And um…Draco?"

Draco pulled her out of the alley urgently. "Pansy, you know that thing you do to get good ideas?"

"You mean, think?"

Draco nodded. "Yeah! We need you to do that."


	15. Chapter 15

"Pansy, are you sure this is the place?" asked Draco nervously.

"It's got to be. I'm sure of it!"

Draco glanced around the dingy bar with disdain. "But it's so…dykey…"

Pansy rolled her eyes and walked up to the bar. "You heard One-Eyed One-Legged Joe: When you need to find yourself a butt pirate, go ask the Lipstick Lesbos."

"Sounds like utter nonsense to me," Draco replied. He eyed a mullet bearing female with caution. "I feel like the girliest one in the joint. How are we supposed to find a chick that digs chicks that doesn't look like a dog?"

The future Draco chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Draco asked.

"What were you expecting from a bar named _Lickity Split_? Gay bars are not known for their subtleties."

Pansy was certain one could overdose on Dracos. "Well, it was either here or _The Rug Muncher_, and since I didn't particularly feel like random crazed females jumping my bones, I figured we'd try the place with a slight shade of innuendo in its title left."

"Can I help you, ladies?" asked the She-Man serving drinks.

"I'm a guy, by the way," Draco murmured.

"Barely."

Pansy glanced from side to side and leaned forward. "We need to see…the Triple V."

The She-Man looked surprised. "It'll cost you."

Pansy winked with a cheeky smile. "Are you gals seriously going to turn down the company of an attractive young girl just itching to have a good time?"

The bartender blushed briefly and nodded to the rest of the group. "Right this way."

Harry looked around the dingy ship cabin in horrified curiosity. Everything seemed normal about it as far as items you would expect to find in a dingy ship cabin…everything but the bed. It was one of those huge, tacky heart shaped monstrosities only purchased by sleazy motels and hopeless bachelors, and despite his many encounters with Voldemort and all kinds of evil, Harry was scared shitless by the sight of that bed.

_Tap tap tap!_

Harry dashed behind the nearest dresser and crouched down. The door swung open, and a scraggly looking Snape wearing an eye patch entered.

"Might as well come out from behind the wardrobe," the Snape said. "I've been sent to give you libations and prepare you for the captain's nightly recreation."

"And if I refuse?" Harry snapped.

The Snape shrugged. "You can starve if you want…it's none of my business, but I'd suggest a meal before the captain gets here. He'll tire you out quickly, and as for getting gussied up…the captain can dress you up himself, but he'll be mighty rough about it."

Harry inched out and looked the room over for the thirty-sixth time. Nope…still only the one exit.

"What do you mean to do with me?" he demanded, trying to sound manly and gruff and definitely not like the catcher type.

"Me?" laughed the Snape. "Nothing. The captain's very territorial, and as for what he wants to do with ya…I think it's pretty obvious. I mean, look at the costume for one thing."

Harry grimaced as the Snape held up a plaid mini skirt and stiletto heels. "Oh Merlin no…a naughty school girl? Isn't that a bit clichéd, especially coming from a professor?"

"Don't bother wearing underwear," the one-eyed Snape said, tossing the outfit on the bed. "And keep in mind, he's very fond of spanking…"

And with that, Harry was alone. Alone with the tacky heart shaped bed and the beginnings of an overly predictable sexual fantasy.

He slipped on the skirt and checked the mirror to see if his legs looked lean and sexy enough.

"Fuck! Why are these stupid lace-up pumps so hard to put on?" he cried in frustration.

Suddenly it all hit him. He was doomed to be Professor Snape's sex slave unless Draco (of all people) did something.

"I'm screwed," Harry sighed. He gave his underwear one final tug over his ankles and sat down. "Metaphorically and literally screwed."


	16. Chapter 16

"So what's this Triple V business?" asked future Draco as they were led down a gloomy hallway by the She-Man bartender whose name they had learned was Norma.

"The Triple V represents everything we, the Butch, value in women…intelligence—"

"Ew."

"Feminism—"

"Double ew."

"And sex appeal—"

"Ah, so you finally found some hot chicks to bang you broads," Draco chimed.

Pansy elbowed him in the stomach. "He keeps escaping from his cage in the mental home, and I tell him not to follow me to work but he's like a puppy really…"

Norma scowled at Draco as if he were the spawn of all evil (aka a man) then smiled at Pansy as if she were a gift from the heavens (aka an attractive female). "I've always hated puppies."

Future Draco stifled a giggle as she turned and continued down the hallway.

"Yes, yes, ha ha…insert pussy joke here," Pansy snapped.

"I'm sorry…"Future Draco laughed. "It's just too irresistible." He collapsed on the floor in a fit. "Okay. Okay. Play it back for me."

"I've always hated puppies," Draco piped up, imitating Norma's manly demeanor perfectly.

"Is that because you hate dogs or because you just love pussy so much?" Future Draco shrieked.

Pansy finally understood the mindset of a kamikaze warrior. Perhaps they were plagued with idiotic blondes as well. She was about to give the pair a good talking to when Norma threw open a set of black iron doors. Flashing lights and bass heavy music pounded forth, stunning the group.

"Welcome…to the V Room."

"This is ridiculous," Harry snapped, yanking his underwear back on with vigor. "I'm Harry fucking Potter! I can't just sit here like a sissy and wait to take it like a man."

He jumped up and paced the room. "I can take it like a man when and where I want…and…and from whom I want! And…I want…I want to get the hell out of here…"

He froze. "No exits…no exits…crap no exits…except…the door." Certainly the door was locked. He stared at the wooden entryway and prayed. He prayed that pirates were as stupid as he hoped they were. Inch by inch he made his way toward the handle and curled his fingers around it. "Please let it be open…please let it be open."

_Click._

"Holy shit, it's unlocked?" He started into the corridor excitedly.

Pause.

"Fuck!" He scurried back into the room and began to tug furiously at the complex heels strapped to his calves. "Great idea, Harry. Run out into a ship full of sex crazed pirates ready to jump your bones wearing a trashy mini skirt and pumps. You're a fucking genius. Why don't you just slap a huge 'Shag Me Silly' sign on your back?"

He growled at the knot he was currently struggling with which seemed to be getting bigger rather than untangling. "No wonder girl's get so uppity when you ask about their periods and shit…if they put up with these awful contraptions..." Was that a thump-creak in the background?

"I mean, sure, they make your legs look great but—"

"Especially when the legs are as lovely as yours."

"Eep!"


	17. Chapter 17

"I could get used to this place," said Draco as he sipped on Senora Happy in the Panties Mocha Frappe Flavorfiesta.

"Me too," Future Draco agreed, "Except—"

"Excuse me," purred a tall redhead wearing a tight tee displaying the words _I heart Bush…and I don't mean the president._ "Can I buy you lovely ladies a drink?"

"I've got a penis, thank you," Future Draco explained, pointing at his groin. He turned back to Draco as the redhead inched away from him as if testosterone was an air born disease of which Draco was a carrier bearing no visible symptoms. "As I was saying, except…for the countless lesbians trying to get in my pants."

He scowled as a blonde lumberjack approached the counter. "Back off, man hating viper!"

The lumberjack frowned. "I'm a man, you twat, and I wouldn't bother offering to buy you drinks…I'm really not into the pussy loving type."

"For Zandar's sake," Future Draco cried. "We're not _that_ effeminate, are we?"

"Of course not," Draco said. "We just have great legs and just happen to look stunning with a touch of eye liner. Is that a crime?"

The lumberjack eyed them with new interest. "So are you two twins or something? Cause I've never done the threesome thing before, but…"

"Back off, Paul Bunyan!" Future Draco snapped.

"Paul Bunyan?"

"I read it somewhere."

Draco giggled as the lumberjack wandered over to his female co-workers with a sulk.

"What?" sighed Future Draco.

"I was just thinking," Draco murmured. "If we were to have sex with each other, would it be incest?"

"Yes, I suppose it would, but—don't tell me you're actually thinking about…"

"Of course not! I'm not THAT much of a narcissist. I mean, there was that time with the magic mirror in the basement—"

"Don't remind me. You ask it if you're the fairest in the land nowadays, and all it can do is scream, 'Please don't touch me there! I need an adult! Not my no-no spot!'"

"Are you two still conscious?" asked Norma gruffly. "Here." She shoved two more drinks at them and grinned. "Drink up and shut up." She stalked back into the darkness, giving the thin, busty waitress a pat on the toosh.

"She's friendly," Future Draco said.

"Yes," agreed Draco. "If by friendly you mean: contemplates committing genocide on the male race on a daily basis." He shrugged. "Well, you heard the man, drink up!"

Pansy tried not to seem too startled as the door to the strangely plush and purple room Norma had stashed her in creaked open. A slender woman wearing a flowy lavender dress entered and sat across from the young Slytherin.

"You must be Pansy," the woman cooed. "I am Veronica. The Wisdom of the Triple V." She smiled whimsically.

"Um…cool," Pansy said, now unsure of what her plan was.

Another woman marched through the door. She wore lilac slacks and matching suit jacket. She sat beside Veronica and eyed Pansy. "I am Vicky. The Feminism of the Triple V."

"I see."

"And I—"

"Not yet!" hissed Vicky, glaring at the girl about to enter.

"Sorry," came the giggly response. "I forgot. I enter, then introduce myself!"

The third woman bounced in, her…erm…endowments jiggling enthusiastically in her tight violet bikini. She plopped down beside Pansy and sidled up to her with a dopey grin. "Hello! I'm Vajayjay! I'm the pretty one!"

"The Beauty of the Triple V," Veronica corrected patiently.

"Pleasure," Pansy replied. She scooted away from Vajayjay and forced herself to ignore her neighbor's bodacious fun bags as best she could.

"And why have you come to the V Room?"

"Well, I need…rather, my friend…s…need your help."

"Your friends," Vicky interrupted. "Why would the Triple V wish to help two men who obviously shun the female sex?"

"Don't hold the fact that Draco is gayer than a May Day parade against him. He clearly wasn't built for women."

"She speaks wisdom," Veronica said.

Vajayjay laughed hysterically. "And she's funny too!"

"They don't let you off the leash too often, do they?" Pansy said.

Vajayjay broke into another fit of giggles and shoved Pansy with glee.

"Down girl," Vicky snapped.

"So anyways," Pansy continued. "I'm looking for a butt pirate, the Infamous Snarry Captain."

The Triple V looked concerned.

"You are set on a dangerous course," Veronica informed her.

"I must know," Pansy said.

They exchanged glances then turned to her. "Where are your friends?"

"_He's a lumberjack and he's okay! _

_He sleeps all night, and he works all day!_

_He cuts down trees! He skips and jumps!_

_He likes to press wild flowers!_

_He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars!"_

Draco jumped up on the bar and began dancing with his future self who was rather engaged with the strange lumberjack from before. All three broke into the ending chorus with gusto.

"_I cut down trees! I wear high heels…_

_Suspenders and a bra!_

_I wish I'd been a girlie just like my dear papa!"_

"This is just confirming my hatred for men," said Vicky, her heels clacking as she marched up to the counter. "Get down, male creatures."

"Helloooo there, lovely!" Future Draco cried.

She yanked him off the counter. "You are the bane of my existence."

Draco winced as she took him by the ear. "Hey, easy there, love! No one likes a bitter lezzy…"

"You are detestable, and the Triple V requires your presence."

Future Draco chuckled drunkenly. "You really hate men, don't you?"

"Yes," she replied.

"That's funny," he cried. "Because…if you think about it…you're more of a man than either of us will ever be."

Vicky froze, lost suddenly. "You know…I never thought of it that way before…through my relentless hatred of men, I have become that which I abhor." She snapped out of it and scowled. "Men are deceitful pigs!"

"I'm fine with that," Draco said. "As long as I get to orgasm for 30 minutes like a pig does, that is a-okay with me!"

She blinked at him incomprehensibly. "This way. I hear there's a meat lover's special in the other room." She smirked.

"As long as there are no anchovies on it," Draco countered. "I've never been too fond of fish ever since my first encounter with a tuna taco…very traumatic."


	18. Chapter 18

"Eep!" Harry turned and scowled as he realized that it was the same one-eyed Snape from before.

"What?" asked the Snape. "You seem a bit jumpy. Who were you expecting? The Snarry Captain?"

"No," Harry snapped. "Well yes. I mean, you did sound an awful lot like him."

The Snape chuckled. "Believe me…you'll know when the Captain's coming."

"Insert disturbing yet predictable gay joke here," Harry mumbled in Draco's absence.

"What was that?"

"Erm…nothing." He let go of the stilettos he had been struggling with. "Well, then what was all that thump-creaking about? It was very deceptive you know!"

"Every other floor board is squeaky," the Snape explained. He marched around to demonstrate, the floor responding with a cheerful thump-creak.

Harry frowned.

"Well, don't ask me. I've always thought it was peculiar." The Snape continued towards Harry. "The Captain has grown weary of the schoolgirl scenario. He demands that you wear this."

Harry took the outfit from him and stared in horror more utter than he'd ever imagined it could be. He dropped the plain robes and greasy black wig. "Oh no…I've heard of reverse role-playing but this is ridiculous."

"The Captain insists."

"It's the same scenario!" Harry shrieked. "Can't I just be the naughty student? I'd be a terrible Snape. Besides, I just got these shoes on and all."

"The Captain says keep the shoes but put on the robes and wig…still no undies."

"This is sick stuff," Harry moaned. "What kind of twisted fuck would think this up?" He sat down and asked himself: What would Draco do? Then realized that the answer was probably sob like a little girl and reconsidered his choice in role models.

"It's a Snarry ship," the Snape explained. "What do you expect? A professor can only go so long without getting laid, and you do look fantastic in those pumps."

"Does this mean I don't have to be the catcher at least?"

The pirate laughed. "I don't think you quite understand the scenario. Usually, you would be the submissive naughty student that gets banged by the strict potions master. Now you're the submissive potions master that gets banged by the naughty student."

"This hardly seems fair," Harry remarked.

"We're pirates," Snape said. "Pillage and rape. It's what we do…mainly the second one. What do you think this is? A Gilbert and Sullivan operetta?"

"Certainly not," replied the Gryffindor. "The comedy is of a different caliber entirely."

He noticed the visually impaired Snape eyeing his legs covetously. "I just don't know what I'll do…" he cried, an epiphany striking. "If only I could get one last look at the sky before I am deflowered…for just a little while. I'd be ever so grateful to whoever helped me." He crossed his legs slowly and attempted to bat his eyelashes in what he hoped was a seductive manner. "Ever so grateful…"

The pirate licked his lips. "I suppose just a few minutes would be possible." He looked around as if they weren't the only ones in the room despite the fact that they clearly were. "As long as the Captain doesn't hear a word of it…"

Harry smirked and shook his head with childlike innocence. "Oh I'd never dream of it." He stood and hiked up his miniskirt with a grin. "After you."

The Snape toddled up the stairs, blushing. "Now, you promise you'll behavior yourself. "

"Not if I can help it," Harry giggled. He cringed inwardly at himself and began to wonder where he was pulling all this damsel in distress crap from. "Oh this is so exciting," he squeed. "I've always wanted to be a part of a questical adventure…you know danger, braverism, swashbucklery…all that!"

"Are you bonkers?" Snape asked, apparently making sure that Harry's skirt was in order with his teeth.

Harry was beginning to think that blondes did in fact suffer from mental decay and that prolonged exposure to their company was damaging to one's sanity. Why did everything Draco said seem even loonier when Harry tried to say it?

"A pretty song for a pretty boy?" crooned Blackbeard Snape.

"Back off," snapped the other Snape. "This one's the Captain's."

"It's just a song," Blackbeard Snape insisted. "I won't lay a finger on the boy…no matter how tempting he is in his clichéd costume."

"I told you it was predictable," Harry muttered.

"Fine," the Snape with the eye patch hissed. "But make it fast. The Captain will be back at any moment, and if he catches his love pet on deck, we're all royally fucked."

Blackbeard Snape strummed his guitar, the drama building.

"_Oooooooh…I'm a butt pirate! Yes, I am!_

_I dig in ya bum for treasure!_

_I fly around in my little shiiiiiiip!_

_My boyfriends call me Pip!"_

Various disheveled, scantily clad Harry's popped out and echoed him reluctantly.

"_His boyfriends call him Pip!"_

"Well, that's just darling," Harry said. He started toward the edge of the ship. "And I think it's about time for me to skedaddle now…so…" He turned to make his escape. Unfortunately, his face met something rather like the chest of a horny pedophile.

"Going somewhere?" growled the Snarry Captain.

"Well, not anymore." Harry sulked and pondered whether he was allowed to cry now since he was obviously meant to be the woman on this ship.

"I can only assume," the Captain continued. "That you conned my men into allowing you on deck simply in your anxiousness to see me."

"Well, yes, and it's great to see you," Harry stammered. "But I'm in a terrible rush—"

"To get to the bedroom?" interrupted the Captain.

"Well, no, I—"

"Pity…I'm afraid that's the only place you'll be going for a long, long time."

Harry moaned. "I have been cursed to attract only mentally unstable Slytherins. Nope! No sweet, sane boys for me! I have to snag the sex crazed nut jobs."

"Nut jobs? I've never had one of those. Is it similar to blo—"

"Insert innuendo here!" Harry cried.

"I'll show you where to insert your innuendo," the Snarry Captain mused.

"Is it up my arse?" Harry snapped. "Is it?"

The Captain seemed taken aback. "Um…yes…yes it is."

"I thought so!"


	19. Chapter 19

"I'm fine," slurred Future Draco as Vajayjay helped him into his seat. "I'm fine!" He shoved her hands away and glared at her. "This coat is pure kneazle…thank you very much! And you're…wrinkling it…and stuff." He slumped into the chair.

"What charming friends you have," said Veronica.

Pansy sighed and shook her head. "I wish I could say that they're better behaved when sober…but sometimes I'm afraid that only makes it worse."

"I thought we came here to party," Draco giggled. "Let's dance!"

Vicky scowled and kept her grip on his shoulder. "Sit."

Draco eased back down. "Alright…alright…damn, you broads are no fun—"

"Broads?"

Pansy intervened for the sake of Draco's lovely, soon to be ripped out throat. "Draco, shut up!" she hissed. She wagged a finger in his face. "Down boy."

"Alright," Future Draco mumbled. "We're here…so whatdoyouwant?" He frowned as his head slumped down to his chest.

"Exactly!" Draco exclaimed.

Vajayjay seemed just as lost the blonde pair. "Twins are so cute!"

"They're the same person," Veronica said. She turned to Pansy. "You have been time traveling."

"Well, yes…you see…this sounds so lame. The Draco in the white fur coat found this cat and got a little too attached…if you catch my drift."

"Men are weak," Vicky said with a smile. She looked very much like a deranged hobo who spent all her time collecting young girls like cans to fill her shopping cart of desperation.

Pansy was beginning to wish she had brought her mace with her. "Yeah. So pretty soon, the cat runs off and is found by another boy at school, Harry, and of course, he too becomes enamored of this cat—"

"Surely you chicks can understand the obsession with pussies," Draco put in. Pansy punched him in the arm. "Ow! That hurt…." He sniffled. "You know I'm tender."

"Then shut up!"

Draco sulked and rubbed his arm.

"Draco then went looking for his cat which led him to Harry, but lo and behold, the cat was nowhere to be found…"

"Tragic," cried Vajayjay. She sat on Future Draco's lap with a sob. Future Draco simply scowled at her briefly and returned to staring at his shoes.

"They decided in their _brilliance_," Pansy continued, "to go on an adventure to find their cat."

"Where does the time travel come in?" asked Veronica.

"It really doesn't matter," said Pansy. "He's always getting bafflingly stupid idea. Eventually, the Draco in the white fur coat took Harry on this ship to find the Draco in the black fur coat, so that the Draco in the white fur coat could ask the Draco in the black fur coat how to find the cat."

"I'm confused," said Vajayjay.

"What else is new?" Vicky muttered.

"And then the bad man took my Harry!" Draco moaned. He made a swooning motion.

"What Princess Helpless here is trying to say," Pansy told them, "is that the Snarry Pirates attacked the ship and stole Harry, and now we have to save him before…well…you know…"

"The inevitable _Thank you, sir. May I have another_?" Future Draco piped in.

"Yes, thank you," Pansy growled.

"No problem."

Veronica stood and paced the room slowly. "Hm…this is a _sticky_ situation indeed."

"Hold the disturbing sexual comments," Pansy ordered. The Dracos slumped with disappointment.

"First thing to do," Veronica continued, "is to accomplish what you came for originally."

The group stared at her in silence.

"Ask him how to find the cat," Veronica sighed. "Then we'll take care of the butt pirate situation."

"Oh," said Draco, sobering up a bit. "Um…yes…how did you—"

"I didn't," Future Draco muttered. "I haven't found him yet."

"What?"

"I was so upset over losing Harry that I forgot my search. I just sat on the SS Guns'n'Handcuffs and got shitfaced."

"You…you…" Draco seemed about to explode. "Actually, that does sound like me. Good plan."

"It seemed like it at the time."

"They just keep proving all my theories right," Vicky mused.

Pansy walked over to Veronica. "Where can we find the Snarry Pirates? Please…we're wasting time, and we need to find him."

Veronica looked into her eyes calmly. "I can see that there is more at stake here than a missing cat."

Pansy blushed. "Please."

"Go down to the docks and find the Plot Bunny," Veronica told them. "The ships can't go anywhere without his help. He'll know where to find your friend."

"Right, let's go then!" piped Draco, leaping to his feet.

"One moment," Veronica interrupted. "Something is being overlooked."

They looked around as if the something was in the room. Draco lifted up the tea cozy. "Damn, it's never there!"

Veronica walked over to him. "You have to go back."

"Back where?" He blinked.

"In order to ensure that you and Pansy run into…um…you," she said. "You, Draco in the white fur coat, must go back to your time and wait."

Draco sulked. "But I'll get bored."

She rolled her eyes. "Some fics may allow inconsistencies and unexplained plot lines when it comes to time travel, but—"

"Just do it, Draco," Pansy said.

"You can spend all your time drinking and hitting on boys," Future Draco suggested. "And here." He handed over his black fur coat. "You'll be needing that."

Draco seemed disappointed. "But I'll be missing out on the adventure."

"No, you won't," said Veronica. "You're still having it right now…cause you're him."

He cheered up a bit. "Hey, that's right!"

"Just consider it…a mid-quest recuperation vacation."

"I like the sound of that," Draco said with a grin. He pulled out his time turner.

"Don't forget to wait for yourself," Pansy said. She waved.

"I'll be too wasted to remember to forget," he responded, waving back.

"I'll miss you, Draco," she said.

"No, you won't," said Future Draco.

"Oh right."

"See you in a year," Draco said, winding the time turner, and just like that he was gone.

"Did it work?" asked Future Draco who was now just plain Draco.

"Well, we're still here," said Pansy.

"And the walls aren't oozing with blood," Veronica added. "That's a good sign."


	20. Chapter 20

"You know…you'd think it would have been harder to find some random sea bound bunny," Draco said cheerfully.

Pansy ignored him and continued down toward the beach. "I suppose."

"Lucky for us…he put up a sign." He stopped and gaped at the huge billboard that read: PLOT BUNNY EXTRAORDINAIRE—EXPERT IN STORY LINE CREATION, ALTERATION, DESTRUCTION, AND BULLSHITTING!!!"A massive, flashing neon sign…with a big arrow."

"Quit staring Draco and move your fat ass!"

He sulked. "It is not! It…it's just hard to find time to work out with all this adventuring! I mean, sure it's not as trim as it once was, but—"

Pansy sighed. "I take it back. Move your scrawny butt—"

"Scrawny!"

"Just move!" She grabbed his tee shirt and dragged the delicate blond behind her.

"Halt! Who approaches?

Only the righteous may board

My boat of wonders."

Pansy and Draco stopped at the edge of the rickety black dock. Both peered into the fog, finding nothing, or to be more precise finding more fog.

"We've come to see the Plot Bunny," Pansy said cautiously. "We need his help."

They heard a giggle.

"The Bunny appears

When writers seek his counsel.

What brings you to me?"

"A kinky, nautical version of Professor Snape stole my boyfriend!" Draco piped up.

"We need to find the Snarry ship," Pansy added.

"I know this ship well.

I'm certain I can help you.

But first a contest."

"A contest?" Pansy scowled. "Show yourself."

The giggling began again.

"Just look to your feet.

You're sure to find me right there.

Surely you see me."

Pansy winced as a rather girly shriek pierced the air and was surprised to find that it was not in fact Draco that made it…but herself. She covered her mouth with embarrassment. "You caught me off guard," she said, eyeing the black rabbit that had appeared at their feet.

"You should look down more.

Perhaps you would not get scared

So easily then," the Bunny said morosely.

"So you were saying…"

Both the Bunny and Pansy scowled as Draco picked up the adorable animal and began to stroke his long, furry ears.

"Draco, please—"

"What? He looked like he needed a cuddle, and I miss having a pet."

The Bunny hopped back to the ground and cleared its throat.

"In order to board,

You must master the haiku.

Then I will help you."

"Oo! A haiku off!" Draco said with excitement.

"Haikus?" Pansy muttered. "You're serious."

"I do not make jokes.

Beat me with your poetry,

And I am your guide."

"How do you do a haiku?" Pansy asked.

"5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables," Draco said.

"I hate poetry," she whispered. "Maybe you should challenge him."

The blonde frowned. "Are you sure you trust me with this?"

"Of course."

He smiled. "Good. You know, Pansy…if I didn't know better, I'd have thought that you were convinced that I was a blithering idiot."

She smiled nervously. "Indeed."

"Alright let's do this!" Draco began.

"I accept your challenge, sir.

I will defeat you."

The Bunny raised its eyebrows, clearly impressed.

"The theme shall be ships

For that is my profession.

Choose at your own risk."

Draco smirked and began to contemplate.

"Ginny/Ron is wrong.

The sick write of their incest.

Disturbing yet sweet."

The Bunny frowned.

"Hermione/Ron

Can be quite a dull pairing.

Most canon is though."

"Hooch sees girls shower.

I bet she fancies Katie.

All sudsy and hot."

"Draco is catcher

For Snape the well-hung pitcher.

Poor Draco's sore bum."

Draco scowled.

"Dumbledore/Harry

Hero boy screwing mentor

That's just fucked up, man."

The Bunny seemed irritated that his opponent was doing so well.

"Harry hates Draco.

They'll never be together.

Snape triumphs again."

Pansy watched Draco's face flush.

"Draco loves Harry.

He won't let pirates rape him.

Bunnies are stupid."

They stood in silence for a moment.

"You are deemed worthy.

I will help you find your love.

Please board the boat now."

The Bunny hopped down the deck and began to prepare for the voyage.

Pansy followed Draco onto the dock. "Draco…"

He turned and smiled at her. "Did I do well?"

She nodded. "Brilliant as usual."

He shrugged and turned back toward the ship.

Pansy was shocked at the unprecedented modesty. "Draco."

He looked back at her. "What? Come on!"

She stared at him for a moment. "Its true, isn't it?"

"That I'm brilliant? Of course it is."

She put a hand on his shoulder.

"Ew. Get that off me. Where did you even find a severed hand?"

"Sorry." She tossed it into the water and put her own hand on his shoulder instead. "I meant, is what you said in your haiku true?"

"Which one?"

"The last one."

"Well, most bunnies are incredibly daft, but—"

She covered his mouth. "You love Harry," she said resolutely.

Draco seemed confounded for a moment. "I…I do." He seemed a bit surprised by the idea. "I didn't really think about it. I just…said it."

Pansy paled a bit. "You love Harry."

It seemed so obvious suddenly.

Draco smiled again. "Of course I do." He boarded the small boat with a leap.

Pansy stared out at the ocean with a sorrowful look. "Of course you do…"


	21. Chapter 21

"No, wait!" Harry cried desperately as the Snarry Captain made to hoist him over the shoulder. "I—I can't role play just yet…we haven't properly prepared yet."

The Snapes gave him an assortment of all too curious looks.

"If you're talking about protection," murmured the Captain. "I assure you its below deck."

"First off," Harry said. "Ew but that's somewhat reassuring. Secondly, that's not what I meant!" He pried the older man's hands away from his waist and stepped back.

"What I mean is…if we really want the sultry scenario to go _really_ well, and I think we all do…" He forced down vomit as the Captain nodded with excitement. "Then we need to set it all up perfectly before we get to the actual rutting like ferrets."

"Don't you mean bunnies?" inquired one eyed Snape.

"Yes, but you're all a bit smellier than bunnies, and ferrets are rather associated with the Slytherin house…"

"True."

"So what you're saying," interrupted the Snarry Captain. "Is that we need to set up the right ambience?"

"Yes, exactly!" Harry exclaimed. "Ambience! Brilliant word!"

"So what do you suggest?"

"Well, if you're going to be a naughty student or whatever…and I'm going to be the—er—submissive professor…then we've got to act out a proper potions class and all before you…er…stick it to me…and such."

The entire crew looked thrilled at the prospect of group participation.

"What are you lot so perky about?" the Captain snapped. "That don't mean he's up for sharin'!" He pulled Harry against him and began to stroke his hair covetously. "You can help with the ambience but as soon as class is dismissed Professor Potter and I will be engaging some _private _tutoring!"

"Do I even need to say it anymore?" Harry said. He bit his lip as the Captain's calloused hands cupped buttocks. "Well, I'd better go put my robes on."

The Captain grinned. "Keep the miniskirt."

"I hardly think that a professor would consider a miniskirt the proper attire fo—" He trailed off with a squeak as his drawers were ripped from his rear with unsolicited ferocity.

"Pretend we're in a public school," Snape whispered.

"Have you ever attended a public school?" asked Harry. "I have, and I really don't recall seeing the teachers wearing—"

"That's why it's called _pretend_."

"Right," he whimpered. "Pretend…Now you scurry along, you young rapscallion…or you'll be late to class!"

The Captain dashed off with glee, leaving Harry alone on deck.

"I'll just play along, and everything will be fine," the Gryffindor murmured. "It's only pretend…" He shivered as a cold sea breeze whipped under his skirt. "Great…I can just _pretend_ that I'm not getting raped…brilliant plan."

He turned and walked back down to the Captain's quarters. _Thump creak thump creak thump creak._ "How odd…"

He paused just before opening the door. "I hate the world."

Dumbledore sat down at his desk and popped another lemon drop in his mouth. "So as I was saying Minerva, I really ought to cut back on the wine before I try giving mentorly advice and shit to the students…just last week I told Mr. Potter some absolute tripe about love triumphing over evil, and he totally bought it! Looked at me like I was the motherfucking messiah or something!"

His companion looked less than pleased to be there with him, but she had to attend her weekly obligatory tea with the headmaster and wasn't about to skip for two weeks in a row…or was it three?

"Come on, Minnie! Lighten up!" He nudged her with a grin. "Tea?"

She scowled. "Don't call me that, and yes, I'd love a cup of tea but all you seem to have is whiskey."

The headmaster chuckled and set his cup down. "Very well." Whiskey sloshed onto a stack of letters he had been meaning to read sometime that century. "Oh shit!" He quickly attempted to dry the papers of with his beard which was finally useful for something other than making him look charismatic.

He stopped as he came across a bright pink envelope. "Eh, what's this?"

"I have no idea," sighed a reluctant Minnie.

He ignored her and tore it open.

_Dearest Albie,_

"Hey, I like that! Call me Albie," he told Minnie.

_Dearest Albie,_

_I am writing to inform you that three of your students have set out on a questical adventure. The aforementioned students go by the names of Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, and Pansy Parkinson. They will most likely be time traveling as well as parading around institutions of a bi-curious nature at the very least. They are probably in perilous danger and such, but no worries!_

"Ah well, that's nice."

_If you could perhaps excuse them from school for the next year, it would be much appreciated. You could count it as a school related field trip as they will undoubtedly learn something along the way, and if not, they must be terribly daft and wouldn't have learned anything had they been at Hogwarts anyway._

"Very logical."

_More importantly, however, I would like to address the issue of how you are doing. We never hang out anymore, and I do wonder what you're up to. And even more importantly, I would like to point out how you are not me. It's really fantastic how not me you really are. _

"By Zandar, that's right. I'm not!"

_With love always and definitely not you,_

_Mysterious Person_

"I'm not sure I know this Mysterious Person," Albie said. "But I like 'em!"


	22. Chapter 22

"Are we there yet?" Draco moaned, his head lolling onto Pansy shoulder for the millionth time.

She shook him off. "For the last time, I don't know!"

"Do bunnies even know how to navigate international waters? It seems unlikely. They're not the most seaworthy creatures."

Pansy sighed and shoved his head off her shoulder once again.

"Hey!" Draco piped up. "Plot Bunny!"

The Plot Bunny seemed very intent on staring at the night sky.

"Draco!" Pansy hissed. "Sit down! He's busy."

"No, I'm pretty sure he's just staring at the sky."

"Haven't you ever heard about navigating by the stars?" she said. "I'm sure he's just calculating our heading by use of the North Star."

"Right…Hey Plot Bunny!"

No response.

"Oh bunny…I've got a lovely female bunny just ripe for kitten making over here!"

"Kitten making?"

"That's what baby rabbits are called," Draco explained. "They're called kittens."

"Oh I know," said Pansy. "I just thought the term kitten making was odd."

"Oh."

The Plot Bunny's ears twitched as its head jerked toward the pair. "What was that about kitten making?"

"Knew it'd work," Draco said with a triumphant grin. "Are you done star gazing?"

"Oh, terribly sorry," remarked the bunny. "I was zoning out there for awhile."

"Told you," muttered the blonde.

"Where are we going?" Pansy asked.

The Plot Bunny hopped to the other end of the boat and gave her the bunny equivalent of a grave look. "The Snarry Ship sails in dangerous waters. I intend to take you there, but first we must pass through the Isle of Forgotten Shipwrecks."

"Fantastic!" Draco exclaimed.

"And then …" continued the rodent. "Hoping we don't cross the path of any other vessels, we will sail into the Sea of Perversion where the Snarry Pirates make their mischief."

"And how long will that all take?" Pansy inquired.

"The trip varies for each plot," the bunny explained. "Usually depends on the author."

"I'm not sure I understand you," said Pansy. "But I'll just pray its short and easy."

"Your mom's short and easy!" Draco sniggered.

"My mother is five foot eleven and a saint!" Pansy snapped.

"Silence," the Plot Bunny whispered.

They crouched down in the boat cautiously as a dark boat glided toward them through the black water.

"The Good Ship," said the bunny.

"How boring," Pansy murmured.

"Nobody move."

Draco broke the silence once again. "Whatever happened to you speaking only in haikus?"

The Plot Bunny blinked and gave him a confused look. "I don't know…Shall I move onto limericks perhaps?"

"No," Pansy interjected sharply. "Normal conversational skills are perfectly alright."

Draco pouted. "But limericks are such fun…"

"Hermione, there is no way I am admitting my completely obvious feelings toward you!" shouted a voice from the passing vessel.

"Ronald, you are so aggravating! Speaking of which, I think our underlying sexual tension frustrates those around us!"

"Let's bicker more and contemplate screwing each others brains out later when we're in private!"

"Splendid! And then I can act bossy like your mother because you have oedipal issues!"

"Your sexy studiousness frustrates me! Sometimes I wish you'd spank me!"

"You never tell me I look pretty! I look pretty sometimes! It's okay to just tell me!"

"I bet Harry feels awkward when we fight!"

"I wonder if you have freckles _everywhere…"_

Pansy covered her ears while Draco cringed.

"Can't this thing go any faster?" he whispered.

The bunny merely shrugged.

"I am _so_ repressed that I jerk off to books because they remind me of you!"

"I don't care how you do it," Pansy hissed. "But you get us the fuck away from this ship NOW!"

"Shut up, Pansy!" Draco said. "Look!"

"No, we need to get out of here—" She froze as her eyes met the image Draco was pointing to. "Oh sweet Zandar…"

The nearby beach was strewn with smashed ships, splintered planks and broken masts floating in the bloodied surf. Amongst the rubble, two figures could be seen.

"The Isle of Forgotten Shipwrecks," whispered the Plot Bunny.

"Is that Professor Umbridge?" Pansy asked.

"Godric," said their ex-Headmaster. "We simply must get off this beach or I shall have to come up with a sadistic way of punishing you."

"Fear not, dear lady," said the man with her. He seemed a bit archaic next to her and a bit confused. "My love for thee is so great that I must endeavor to do thy bidding with all my heart…or I shall suffer greatly."

"Who the hell is the nerd in the LARP costume?" Draco asked.

"Godric Gryffindor," the Plot Bunny replied. "Merlin save the poor soul that tried to write that ship. The time travel was by far the least disturbing aspect of the entire endeavor."

"I'll say."

"Just wait," the bunny informed them. "It can only get worse…"

A screech pierced the air as another wreck came into sight.

"That sounds like a hippogriff," remarked Pansy.

"Horrid things," Draco added.

It was indeed a hippogriff on the shore. Beside it stood a pale, jumpy looking boy clutching a camera.

"Come here, Buckbeak," squeaked the boy. "I only want to give you a little smoochie and take a little snapshot…"

"Not the Potter Fan Club," Draco moaned.

"Come give Colin a kiss," the boy pleaded. "Just wait until I put this on MySpace! Come on, darling, sweetheart, love divine…"

"Do people seriously write this shit?" Pansy asked.

"Unfortunately," the bunny replied. "This one crashed rather quickly I believe."

"Look out!" Draco shouted suddenly.

The Plot Bunny leapt for the rutter as the boat careened toward a huge, jagged rock that none of them had conveniently noticed for quite some time.

"It's another wreck," Pansy exclaimed through the mist.

Draco seemed upset as waves crashed on deck. "Sea water does not do wonders for my hair."

"I only want some sassafras and then we shall go to the theater," said a whimsical voice. "One in three doctors has a carousel on Sunday."

"Its Loony Luna!" Pansy said.

"Well obviously," Draco replied.

"They must have crashed on the rock."

"Well, obviously."

"Who's that with her?"

"Well, obviously."

Pansy scowled. "That response doesn't work for everything, Draco."

"Well, obviously."

"Weather predictions show a two percent chance of nugget filled elephants," Luna continued from the remains of her ship. She began to sing. "S.S. Bloody Nut House is the place for me!"

"Is that the theme song from Green Acres?" Draco inquired.

"Well, obviously," Pansy snapped. "S.S. Bloody Nut House…" She spotted a hovering image beside the bizarre Ravenclaw.

"Luna Lovegood/Bloody Baron," said the Plot Bunny. "Catchy ship name…but not much substance."

"I think the storm's clearing up!" Draco shouted.

"Did we ever establish that there was a storm?" Pansy shouted back.

"Probably not! But who cares? I think that's a rather minor issue. What I want to know is how a bunny is steering a ship!"

"Touché," Pansy replied. "Touché."

"I assure you I have obtained my boating license," said the Plot Bunny.

"What's on the far shore over there?" Draco asked.

"You don't want to know."

The blonde gave the licensed boater an inquisitive look.

"Mrs. Norris/Whomping Willow," the bunny said with reluctance.

"I don't even want to think about how that one works," responded Draco.

"I can't see anything on that beach," Pansy said, pointing to a deserted bank. "Does that mean we've made it through the Isle of Forgotten Ship Wrecks?"

"Hardly," said the Plot Bunny. "We're just getting starting."

"All I can make out from here is an old patched up hat and a dirty sock," Draco said.

"The Sorting Hat/Dobby's Sock."

"That's sick."


	23. Chapter 23

"Long John Snape," Harry said with a stern look. "What did we say about teaching your shoulder parrot dirty pickup lines?"

The chastised pirate shuffled his feet. "If I'm going to use Petey to hit on students, I should at least make the lines clever and sexy, not raunchy and overly detailed."

"Yes, and do you think that Boot Deck Harry appreciated it when Petey asked him if he would like to insert your huge phallic sword into his youthful butt sheath after a romantic lobster dinner?" Harry asked.

Long John Snape sighed. "Prolly not."

Harry tugged his skirt down only to feel it instantly slide up, once again revealing a little more of his rear than he liked. "So what do you have to say to Boot Deck Harry?"

Long John Snape turned and directed his attention to the floor (or boot deck) at Boot Deck Harry's feet. "I'm sorry for demeaning you in a less than impressive way."

"That's okay," replied Boot Deck Harry. "You meant well."

"No, don't let him off that easy," Harry said. "Go on."

"I only taught Petey to say those things because I wasn't confident enough to approach you myself…because…well, Boot Deck Harry, I like you. I mean I _really _like you."

"And…" Harry muttered.

"And?"

Harry gestured to the parrot.

Long John Snape nodded. "Oh yeah, and Petey has something to say too."

The parrot squawked as its owner poked it forcefully. "Hey baby! That's a very becoming sweater you've got on."

"Why thank you," Boot Deck Harry replied.

"I'd be coming if I were on you too."

Boot Deck Harry teared up. "Aw…that's so sweet! You really know how to treat a guy like an object and a lady at the same time."

Long John Snape smiled. "It was nothing."

"Alright," Harry announced, heading back to the front of the classroom. "Now that we've cleared that issue up, let's continue with the anatomy lesson, and yes, you two may be excused for obvious reasons."

"Can we skip the lobster dinner?" murmured Long John Snape.

"I thought you'd never ask," Boot Deck Harry whispered.

"Remember," Harry called after them. "The Sex Room is down the hall on the left behind the YOU MUST BE 17 OR OLDER TO READ THIS FIC sign."

He was beginning to notice that he walked with a booty in heels. "Now class which is dwindling far too rapidly for my comfort," he said to the remaining three students. "Are we ready to expand our lesson to the female reproductive system?" He perched himself on his desk and crossed his legs in a less than professorly manner.

"Ew," squealed Running Out of Clever Pirate Names Harry. "Girl's are gross."

"Why bother?" asked Flying Dutchman Snape. "There's almost zero chance of encountering a vagina on this ship."

"Less than that," said Running Out of Clever Pirate Names Harry. "I'm bored. Let's screw."

Flying Dutchman Snape hopped up and hoisted the horny adolescent over his shoulder. "Alright. Let's go!"

"Wait!" Harry cried. "The Sex Room is occupied!"

"They'd settle for a bathroom stall if necessary," the Snarry Captain said.. He got up from his desk and started toward the horrified instructor. "And now we're alone…"

"Oh Merlin, you're still here," Harry whimpered. "I almost forgot." He laughed nervously.

The Captain knelt and kissed Harry's knee. "It's a pleasant surprise I hope."

"A surprising one at any rate." He gasped as the older man lifted him off the desk and started toward the door. "Wait!"

"What is it now?" the Captain groaned.

"I have to pee."

"What?"

"I'm serious. I totally had a huge cocktail back at the bar when you kidnapped me and all."

"Fine," Snape snapped. "But make it fast."

"Of course, of course," Harry said. "I'll wee like the wind."


	24. Chapter 24

"Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap!" Harry muttered as soon as he shut the door to the loo. He collected himself with a calm breath. "Alright, Harry…you can figure this out. You have defeated the epitome of evil on _multiple_ occasions. Surely you can escape the grasp of a seafaring pedophile."

"Arrgh! Hurry up, me boy!"

Harry paled. "Goodbye, my sweet V-card. How I shall miss thee!" He lifted up the lid of the toilet and gagged. "I would rather piss myself." He quickly slammed it back down and kicked the handle.

"Almost done," he cried over the loud flush. He suddenly wondered how an antique pirate ship had such a modern plumbing system. His musings were interrupted by the faint sound of voices outside.

"Ay, you know how to make a sailor turn to his old ways…"

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked, cracking the door open. He started to slam it shut again as a hand reached for him. "Still busy!"

"Shut up!" hissed a voice as the hand clamped over his mouth.

Harry's eyes widened. "Phmfnr?"

Pansy lifted her hand. "I'm sorry. What was that?"

"I said, 'Pansy?'"

"Oh yes, of course." She put her hand back into position. "We're here to rescue you."

"Rrmm?"

She withdrew her manual muzzle once again. "Try again."

"We?"

"Draco lured Snape off with his _feminine wiles_," she sighed.

Harry gave her a quizzical yet sympathetic look, the kind one developed when frequented with the company of Draco, as if to say: I know Draco's insane and that you are only the messenger, but what the fuck does that mean?

"Anyways, I wasn't going to question it," she continued. "For some reason, his stupid ideas seem to work in this psychotic nautical dimension."

"How odd."

She smiled and grabbed his hand. "Come on. We have to get you to the boat before the captain figures out what's going on."

"Great," Harry said with a nod.

"Oh, and Harry…"

"What?"

She kissed him on the cheek. "I'm glad you're okay."

He touched his face lightly where her lipstick had stained his skin. "Er…me too," he mumbled.

She tugged him down the corridor frantically. After a few minutes, she froze. "Shit."

"What is it?" he asked.

"We're lost."

He glanced around and yanked his skirt down nervously. "How can we be lost? Don't you remember how you got in?"

She scowled. "Well, we left a trail of Equus posters since we were all out of bread crumbs, but somehow that just didn't work out on a ship full of lust crazed men who have a thing for scantily clad adolescents!"

She grew hushed as her eyes met a door labeled: THIS BE THE CAPTAIN'S QUARTERS—UNDERAGE BOOTY BEWARE.

"Well, this is exactly where I want to be," Harry whispered.

Pansy glared at him. "Sh! I hear something."

Harry just prayed that it wasn't a mattress squeaking in time to a Marvin Gay record.

"Oh Professor Snape," cooed a voice. "You look so manly with your swashbuckle and chest hair…"

"What is a swashbuckle anyway?" Harry asked.

"It's not actually word," Pansy hissed. "Well, it is…but it's a verb, not a noun, meaning to behave or act like a swashbuckler. There's really no such thing as a swashbuckle itself however."

"But ar—"

Pansy's hand had apparently grown affectionate of Harry's mouth during their earlier moments together and felt that it was time for a reunion.

"Why thank you, young lady," came the captain's gruff reply.

"Oh dear me, professor," chirped the other voice. "I seem to have dropped my pencil. I'll just bend over and pick it up…_very slowly_." There was an impish giggle. "I certainly hope no one looks up my skirt while I'm in such a vulnerable position."

"It's like every bad porno I've ever rented," Pansy murmured with astonishment. She blushed. "For research purposes only of course."

Harry smiled. "Of course."

"Sometimes a girl needs to use whatever resources available to figure out the whole sex thing, especially when all her guy friends, including her first boyfriend, make Batman and Robin's relationship look completely fraternal."

"Wait," Harry said. "All your guy friends are gay? Even Crabbe and Goyle?"

"The two are practically inseparable for a reason, Harry," she said. "Besides, they don't call the Slytherin house the Queen Castle for nothing."

"So that's what Seamus was always referring to when he said he was sore from riding the Dirty Serpent all night at the Queen's Castle…I thought it was a theme park or something."

"First of all," Pansy hissed. "You're retarded. Secondly, shut up! And thirdly, only close friends and lovers can refer to Blaise by his nickname!"

"Oh Merlin, how I've missed you," moaned the Snarry Captain. "I don't know why I ever left you, my darling, I—"

There was dead silence.

"That can't be good," Pansy whispered.

"WHAT IS THIS?"

"Oh shit," Harry squeaked.

The cabin door burst open and a blur of blue lace crashed into them with a shriek.

"The jig is up!" Draco cried, rushing past the confused pair and up the stairs they had somehow neglected to notice.

"Draco!" Pansy shouted. She chased after him, Harry close behind. "What happened?"

"And why are you wearing a dress?" added Harry.

"You were supposed to get him to the boat!" Draco yelled. They plunged on deck and into the sunlight.

"We got lost," she explained.

"The trial of Equus posters didn't work?" They turned sharply.

"What happened?" Pansy repeated.

_"And why are you wearing a dress?_" Harry cried.

"Says the one in the tasteless mini skirt," scoffed the blonde.

Harry tugged at the article of clothing angrily. "Touché."

"All will be explained as soon as we reach the boat!" Draco exclaimed. He turned and darted toward the edge of the ship. "Where is that infernal bunny?

"I'm so confused it's not even worth asking anymore," Harry groaned.

"Where do you think you're going?" Blackbeard Snape growled, catching Harry by the arm.

"Um…to Funkytown?"

The pirate's look of confusion was immediately followed by one of pain followed by one of unconsciousness. The latter two were most likely the result of Pansy punching the confounded pervert in the face.

"Good work," Draco exclaimed. "I knew I kept you around for a reason."

"I thought you kept me around because you have no reason," she replied.

"That too. Now, everyone in!" With a final cry, the blonde threw himself overboard.

"Draco, no—" _Thunk!_ "Oh the boat was right there…how convenient," Harry said.

The Plot Bunny peered up at them. "I may not always make sense, but I am _always_ convenient!"

"Don't question it. Just get in the boat," Pansy told him.

Harry gave the Snarry ship one last look before giving it the finger and diving into the vessel below. "Tally ho!"

"Zandar give me strength," muttered the only female to board the Snarry ship in the last thirty years. The previous time had been a fluke…one of those confusing Harry's lost twin sister named Mary Sue situations.

She placed a hand on the railing and heaved herself into the air. Her companions gaped in wonder as she landed gracefully in the seat beside Harry. "I was a gymnast as a child," she explained.

"Made one hell of a pretzel if you catch my drift," Draco chuckled, giving Harry a meaningful nudge.

"Quit pretending that turns you on," she sighed.

"I just really enjoy people making strange shapes," Draco told her. "Cirque du Soleil gets me every time!"

"Can we get the fuck out of here?" Harry interrupted.

"Certainly," said the Plot Bunny.

"And could I get some fucking pants—"

"Here." The rabbit had already placed a pair of jeans in Harry's lap.

"Thank you, Captain Convenience."

"You're very welcome."

Draco cocked his head to the side and gave Harry an amused smile.

"What is it?" snapped the Gryffindor.

"Oh nothing," the other boy replied. "You just look cute when you're frustrated because you almost did the horizontal tango with the buccaneer form of your least favorite professor all because you decided to be a good sport and help me find our cat."

"_Our_ cat? Since when are we a…um…_we_?" Harry stammered.

"Joint custody?" Pansy suggested. "You get him on the weekends and every other holiday?"

"That is no way to speak about our precious HB the Fourth," Draco announced.

"I was talking about how Harry and I were going to deal with you," she joked.

"You shouldn't try to be clever, Pansy. It makes you look trampy."

She scowled at him and ruffled his hair.

"You will die for that," he seethed.

"That's what you get for using all my super duper hold hairspray last week," she replied. "So are you going to tell us what happened or what?"

"Yeah, and why you are wearing a dress—" Harry started.

"Don't get your panties in a twist, Harry," Draco said. He smirked. "That is…figuratively, since you're probably not wearing any."

"I may look like a hooker, but at least I'm not dressed for a photo shoot with Fabio for the cover of a trashy romance novel."

The blonde simply chuckled, smoothed out his taffeta skirt, and assumed storytelling mode. "Well, Harry, on our way to save you from the dreaded clutches of the ruthless Snarry pirates, we had to sail through the Isle of Forgotten Shipwrecks, a most curious place. It just so happened that during our voyage we came across the remains of a most bizarre ship known as the SS Ice Princess Dark Knight."

"Is this some sort of nutso code language?" Harry asked.

"Don't interrupt," Draco chided him. "Now, we intended to just pass this wreck by just as we had done with the Fat Lady/Fenrir one and the Hooch/Quaffle disaster, but a strange coincidence came to our attention."

"That being?"

"You really are a horrid listener," Draco said. "We learned that the SS Ice Princess Dark Knight had recently lost their captain. He apparently jumped ship just before the crash many many years ago, and guess where that very same captain turned up? Go on! Guess!"

"Was it the Snarry Captain?" Harry answered in a toneless voice.

"No, it was the Snarry Captain!" Draco cried. "He was saved from the stormy waters by the Snarry pirates and made one of their own. He worked his way up through the ranks until finally he became the first mate. He then roused the crew to start a mutiny and took the ship over as his own, but I knew he could never fully repent of his old habits!"

"Habits?"

Pansy rolled her eyes. "The SS Ice Princess Dark Knight is the Female Draco/Snape pairing."

"What on earth?"

"Yeah, it's pretty obscure and idiotic," she said.

"Let's just say that the captain has a soft spot for a Draco with curves in all the right places," Draco chimed in.

"I assume that's why you stuffed your bra then," Harry said.

"That and I wanted them to look perky," replied the blonde.

"So what happened on the Snarry ship?" Pansy insisted.

"I lured the captain into his cabin for sexy time as planned," Draco said. "But unfortunately, it was no dice as soon as he discovered my_ cat _was really more of a _rooster_…"

"And he freaked," said Pansy.

"Precisely!"

"That is all rather elaborate and confusingly so," Harry said. "But if I sit around thinking about it for too long, I'm certain my head shall explode."

"Just be glad you're free," the Plot Bunny told him.

"Good idea."

"Hey," Pansy piped up. She pointed at the waves. "There's something floating toward us."

Draco reached into the water and retrieved a bottle containing a scroll of parchment. "Why it's a letter! And it's addressed to us! What are the odds?"

"Who's it from?" asked Harry.

The blonde held the bottle up in the sunlight and peered through the tinted glass. "From Mysterious Person…"


End file.
